A Man Eating Chicken

I moved out of NYC a few years ago and found out that people in other parts of the country use “Aw rats” to express minor disappointment. This was pretty shocking for me, for a few reasons. Firstly, when have rats ever been a minor disappointment?  There aren’t that many situations that I could even imagine. Were you hoping to watch video of cute cats on Youtube and accidentally typed “cute rats”? You got zero hits and had to fix your typo: “Aw rats.” I’ve thought about it, and that’s about all I could think of. I could never picture finding rats in any other setting and going, “Aw rats.”  As a native New Yorker, I can tell you that I’ve seen rats, as in more than one rat, on several occasions, and never once was my reaction “Aw rats.” That shouldn’t be how people react to rats, either. When people are having such mild reactions to rats, that’s a harbinger of something terrible. I’m pretty sure people used to say “Aw rats” a lot right around when the plague took off.

For New Yorkers, this saying is particularly triggering. The first time I heard it, I was at work. I jumped on a table and grabbed a chair to defend myself with. I also wondered why the person saying it wasn’t that alarmed. I thought: “Maybe they were a total badass? Or had low blood sugar?” I’d go on to find out that they were just throwing around the word rats for no god damn reason. At that point, I assumed they were a domestic terrorist.

After some thinking, I realized that my issue with “Aw rats” is that it is unbalanced, striking terror in those who have had to consider the presence of rats. To keep things fair, we need a term that either creates no emotion in anyone, or strikes terror in everyone. I suggest “aw Bob Costas” or “aw sewage flood”.

So, I’ve been light on work since the pandemic started and am looking for new revenue streams. I’ve heard all about these people who are blowing up on YouTube over their music reaction videos, where they tape themselves listening to a song for the first time. These people are getting hundreds of thousands of hits and making a killing off of ad revenue. I was a little late to the game on the whole music reaction video thing, but I really do think they’ve hit a nerve with the reaction videos. I’ve been exploring some new directions in reaction videos, hoping to start the next big trend. Here’s some transcripts from some of my best work, if you like it, check out the videos or subscribe to my channel!

A Total Veggiehead Reacts to Skirt Steak: First Bite

Normally I’m a total veggiehead, so I’m not a big meat guy, however I’ve been getting a lot of requests in the comments about different kinds of meat. I guess there are a lot of meat fans out there. I keep seeing the name “beef” pop up, particularly “skirt steak”, so I thought I’d give it a try. I’ve got a skirt steak queued up here. Now, I’m going to take a few bites, really chew it and swallow, so that I really can take it in, then I’ll jump back in to comment about it.

—— 5 minutes of eating ——

Now, like I said, I’m not a meat guy, but I can totally get behind this. I mean, it’s got so much flavor, it’s got a satisfying chewiness, I really see why so many of you requested I eat this. There’s some red stuff that’s coming out when I cut it, I’m not sure what that is, maybe you can let me know in the comments, but I’m going to get back into the eating and just enjoy it.

——15 more minutes of eating ——

Well, all I can say is wow! That was fantastic! Like I said, I’ve never eaten “skirt steak” before, but I could tell after the first bite why so many people are eating it. Like I said, I’ve heard a lot of requests for “beef” before, so let me know the next type of “beef” you’d like me to eat and I’ll post another reaction video. Catch you next time!

A Deadbeat Reacts to Going to Work (Wait Until the Surprise Ending!)

So, I’ve never really had a solid job, but people in the comments have been requesting that I try you know, “going to work” for a day. I’m here to listen to you the viewers, thank you for watching and subscribing. So yeah, like I said, I’ve gotten some requests to try an office job for my next reaction video, so I went to a temp agency and got myself a job for the day doing data entry. Like I said, this is my first time going to work, but I’ve heard a lot about it, a lot of you guys are big fans, so here goes. I’m just gonna experience the work for a little and will check back in with some initial thoughts after that.

—— Goes into an office and works for 4 hours ——

So far, I’m mixed on this. I mean, I know some of you are into this, and I dig the free coffee, however I’m not really digging the whole being told what to do by some people I don’t know. But yeah, I’m told I need to be back to finish out the day in 20 minutes, so I’m gonna go use the bathroom and you can then check out my reaction to the rest of the day. Like I said, I’m not a job guy, this is the first time I’m checking out “work” and I’m trying to keep an open mind, so I’ll just dig in to the rest of the day and let you know my thoughts at the end.

—— Works another 4 hours ——

Well, I guess I can see what some people might like about it, but that whole “work” thing isn’t for me. I mean there were some good parts, like the going to the bathroom, having coffee, eating lunch and leaving at the end, but those were just the parts where I wasn’t really working. I know the comments requested all different kinds of work, so maybe this data entry thing wasn’t the one for me. Make some suggestions in the comments for the next kind of “work” I should try.

Coconut Water: Real First Sip YOU’LL WANT TO SEE THIS

—— Takes a sip and spits it out immediately ——

Total Germaphobe Tries Licking Subway Pole For the First Time (ew GROSS!)

All of my subscribers, thank you for tuning in every week, you know that I’m a big time germaphobe, never really got that into germs. I am more of a clean kind of guy, a “neathead” you might say. Well, I’ve been getting a lot of requests that I do a video with germs, you know, check out germs and see how I like them. As you know, this is my first time trying out germs, so it’s new to me, but I’m open minded and excited to see what it’s all about. A lot of you guys are big germ fans, had a lot of great things to say in the comments. There’s been a lot of suggestions for different germ to try out. A lot of you have been saying that I should “lick a subway pole”, so I’m gonna be licking a subway pole for the first time here. I’m going to just take it in here, lick it for a while and see how it is. I may stop it and tell some notes to you guys if something interesting comes up, otherwise, I’ll just lick the pole from the beginning to the end and let you know what I think when it’s done.

—— Licks the entire length of the subway pole ——

You know, going in I wasn’t sure what to expect. I heard a lot about germs, and like I said, a lot of you guys had great things to say about them. I was expecting it to taste “germier”, but I didn’t really get that. I liked how cold the pole was, that felt good on my tongue. Honestly, it was better than I thought it would be. A subway pole wasn’t my favorite thing to lick, like I won’t be licking subway poles all the time, but I could see myself licking a subway pole again. I have to end this video now though because I have a sudden urgent need to use the bathroom.

Classical Pianist First Time Root Canal Reaction (YOU WILL NOT WANT TO MISS THIS)

So, as you know from subscribing to my channel and watching my other videos, I am a classical pianist, trained at Julliard. I’ve taken a lot of requests from you guys, and you’ve pointed me to some really interesting music that I never would have found on my own, and you are all the best. Keep leaving suggestions in the comments. I’ve been getting a lot of great suggestions, but one that keeps coming up in the comments is to try getting a “root canal”. Now I have great teeth, totally health, no cavities, so I’ve never needed or considered a root canal. I’m always looking for suggestions and requests for new things to try listening to, and I keep reading “root canal”, so I’m going to go ahead and try a root canal.

  —— Sits in a dentist’s chair and root canal starts ——

Ok, let me stop it here for a second. I’m noticing some things I’ve never noticed before. There’s a lot of dissonance, some interesting percussion. I’m getting a John Cage kind of vibe. Not really what I was expecting when I heard about “root canal”. The sharp stabbing at the beginning was unpleasant, but after that I haven’t been feeling anything else too bad. As a classical pianist, I’m used to music that is less physical and more audio based, so this “root canal” thing is really a new experience. I’m open to it, though, I like it. I’m a classical pianist, not an oral surgeon, but I can tell that this guy’s got some real chops. It’s always amazing to just hear someone who is so good at what they do. So I’m going to just sit back, let him do his thing and take in the rest of this “root canal”.

—— Receives the rest of the root canal ——

Wow, not what I was expecting at all. Really interesting stuff, though. The part at the end about the aftercare and recovery; that was a real left turn. As someone who never had gotten a “root canal” before I didn’t see that coming. As a classical pianist, I really noticed the way he moved his fingers as he drilled into the crown of the tooth and removed the pulp. He was nimble, and had a good touch, the dynamics were there. I can see why of all the dental procedures, everyone said I should check out a “root canal”.

It looks like I need to be back in two weeks for the second part of this “root canal”, so keep checking in. Like this video, subscribe to see more and leave me some ideas for what to react to next in the comments below!

As you may know, we at the CDC recently issued new guidelines that vaccinated individuals can resume normal activities. This has guidance has led to a lot of businesses, including offices, resuming normal in-person operations. Many Americans have not been to an office in over a year, and this can be a major adjustment. The following are our recommendations for preparing to return to the office and guidelines for behavior in an office setting:

• Now that masks aren’t required, pull your mask down below your nose when you can just take it off completely, just to confuse your coworkers.
• Make sure your first lunch back is the stinkiest one in the office, to position yourself as the Alpha worker.
• Attribute any mistakes or poor performance over the next three years to Covid fatigue. If anyone calls you out on it, tell them they are giving you bullshit fatigue.
• Alternatively complain about how hard working at home was and how hard working in an office is.
• You are now free to ignore office social norms that you always wanted to and blame it on not being used to working in an office. This includes burping loudly, screaming constantly and other social norms most people follow even at home.
• You may officially refer to everyone in the office as “pal” or “chief” for up to one week while you relearn their names.
• Whenever you cough or sneeze, no matter what the cause, be sure to yell “IT’S ONLY ALLERGIES! PLEASE DON’T SEND ME BACK!”
• Steal your coworkers lunches every day. If they ask you about it, just say the CDC lifted ALL restrictions for vaccinated individuals.
• Be sure to ask everyone if they got their “microchip injection” yet. Remember, HIPAA laws and the laws of what’s actually funny do not apply to individuals.
• Now that you are going to work again, you can refer to yourself as a frontline hero forever.
• If anyone asks if you’re vaccinated, proper response include winking, shrugging and finger guns.
• While CDC guidelines say that vaccinated individuals don’t require masks, states and employers may require employees to wear masks. If your employer does, be sure to write a lengthy e-mail to HR about freedom and the science you read on the internet. Be sure to use lots of capital letters so they know you’re serious. Whatever you do, don’t include any actual suggestions, only complaints.
• If the last year hasn’t been hell for you, for God’s sake do not tell your coworkers as you may risk driving them further into their mental cave of depression.

Thanks for listening and we sincerely hope that the novelty of returning to an office lasts for at least a week until it reverts to constantly crushing your soul like it used to.

Love,
The CDC  – xoxo

The day has changed and so have the rules. The wildly successful Dr. Anthony Fauci Super Stumpers is back to provide new guidance on your toughest Covid related questions. Dr. Fauci is here now to field your stumpiest stumpers!

Q: I’ve been hearing all about blood clods caused by the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. Is it true that it really puts tiny idiots in your blood?

A: There is no evidence that those who received the Johnson & Johnson vaccine have any higher risk of clods in their blood than the general population.

Q: I went to the my vaccine clinic and got my “circle circle dot dot now I’ve got my Covid shot” but they didn’t give me my “circle circle square square now I’ve got it everywhere”. Do I have immunity everywhere, or only on the dot dot?

A: You may want to check your vaccination card, as it sounds like you may have gone to the wrong clinic.

Q: Covid restrictions have been the only thing keeping my insufferable brother-in-law from coming by our house. Now you are saying that it is ok for him to come visit without a mask on. Can you impose any distancing restrictions on him specifically? He’s really just the worst.

A: You may want to consider developing a high-risk condition, like diabetes, which would impose some distancing restrictions on this social pariah.

Q: I signed up for a blood drive recently, but was exposed to someone who had the Covid. Should I donate my blood, or instead take some of my wife’s blood to donate, as she was not exposed to the Covid?

A: Please check with the vampires running the blood drive, as they are the experts on this one.

Q: I heard that Covid, along with the rest of the world is a hoax and that we are all living in a simulation. Can you confirm whether that is true?

A: I don’t think we are living in a simulation, however I could just be programmed to say that.

Q: I’ve heard a lot about this new UK Covid variant. I’ve also been enthralled by the latest drama with the royal family. It all seems so petty and I normally hate the Queen, but I can’t seem to look away. Could I have the UK Covid variant, making me love the Queen?

A: I am not sure the UK Covid variant actually makes you love the Queen, but just to be safe you should deprive yourself of all tea, which the UK Covid variant needs to survive.

Q: I heard some otters at the zoo recently got Covid. Is that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard?

A: As a medical professional who has has to tell people about the deaths of their loved ones, yes that is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

We are out of time, but thanks for playing another round of Dr. Anthony Fauci SUPER STUMPERS! All participants will receive a free J&J vaccine (non-tainted) and a novelty “I survived the Coronavirus” shirt. Join us in a few months, as I’m sure this won’t be over, for another round of SUPER STUMPERS.