Dr. Anthony Fauci SUPER STUMPERS

With some vagaries in the recently published CDC guidance, many questions have arisen regarding health decisions of Americans who have received the Covid-19 vaccine. While many of these questions are fairly routine, we’ve assembled some of the toughest questions for a special “Super Stumpers” Q&A session with America’s favorite doctor: Dr. Anthony Fauci.

Q: I’ve been vaccinated but my spouse has not. Is it appropriate to divorce them for a more attractive, higher earning partner who has also been vaccinated?

A: Yes, divorce is definitely recommended, but only if the new partner has received the second dose of their vaccine at least 14 days ago.

Q: I’ve been told mixing shots can be less effective. I received the first Pfizer shot two weeks ago. If I take a Jack Daniel’s shot today will it give me the same immunity as the second Pfizer shot?

A: No, but you might want to try Wild Turkey.

Q: I climbed into a van that had “COVID VAXYNASHUNS” spray-painted on the outside. I blacked out, but I suspect I wasn’t given a Covid vaccination and was instead beaten unmercifully and robbed. I’m not sure, though. Is it ok for me to have small gatherings with friends?

A: You may have maskless gatherings with up to 10 people from 2 other households, so long as they also received their van beatings at least 14 days ago.

Q: If you are really a doctor, where is your little silver thing you wear around your neck and all your doctor’s clothes?

A: Doctors have not been required to wear their sanitary white coats and stethoscopes at all times since the 90’s.

Q: Your initial statements didn’t give any guidance on whether flying is ok now, can you elaborate?

A: We said that you should avoid traveling by airplane where possible.

Q: I know, but I’m not talking about airplanes, I’m talking about good old fashion flapping.

A: “Flapping” or “bird flying,” as it’s known as in the medical community, is safe so long as you maintain 6 feet social distance in all directions. Please remember that since you are in the sky this 6 feet includes birds above and below you.

Q: I heard that the Johnson & Johnson vaccine is only 66% effective, have they considered adding another Johnson, theoretically making it 99% effective?

A: The Johnson & Johnson & Johnson vaccine is currently undergoing clinical trials and is not approved for use yet.

Q: I’m afraid of needles, so I closed my eyes during both doses of my vaccine. Am I only immune when my eyes are closed?

A: Since you closed your eyes for both doses, that should cancel out and you should be ok. If you close your eyes for only one dose, however, you would only have “eyes-closed” immunity.

Q: I am a dog. Do I need a Covid vaccination and also how did I learn to talk?

A: Covid vaccinations are not appropriate for dogs. As far as the talking goes, I guess you are a “Goofy” type dog, as opposed to a “Pluto” type dog.

Q: As a “Goofy” type dog, should I feel guilty if my friends own “Pluto” type dogs?

A: As an anthropomorphic dog, you are closer genetically to humans than dogs, and while mixed-emotions are normal in this situation, you have no reason to feel guilty.

Q: Your guidance advised that I should continue to follow guidance from my employer, but they keep asking me to do things that seems unsafe, like licking strangers. Should I follow this guidance?

A: Sure, why not? This is America, businesses know best!

Q: I’ve been watching Two and a Half Men all the time lately, and I’m concerned that I have no taste. I heard that losing your taste can be caused by the Covid. Do I have the Covid?

A: Yes, you almost certainly have the Covid.

That ends our first “Super Stumpers” Q&A session. Thank you for joining us! Please join us again real soon, when despite reality not changing at all, the rules will all be changing creating a new round of SUPER STUMPERS!

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