Top 10 Secrets in the Secret Sauce

10- Three types of mayo

9- The meaning of life, or paprika, depending on availability

8- Location of Jimmy Hoffa’s body

7- I dunno, it depends on which underpaid factory kitchen worker is working that day

6- Honestly, it’s just A1

5- Worchesterthschiere or however the fuck you spell it

4- Shhhhhhhhark fin

3- THE ANTIDOTE…. to flavorlessness!!!1

2- You’ll have to just kill me then, because I’ll never tell

1- Map to the location of an even tastier sauce

Top 10 NY Super Subs Menu Items

10- Meat Lover’s Disappointment: Do you like ham?  Do you like pastrami?  Do you like turkey?  Sorry, this sandwich has none of these.

9- The Flavinator: This sandwich was designed in a lab for maximum flavor. Comes with a lead vest to prevent flavor radiation absorption.

8- Sandwich of Relativity: So much flavor that it will bend the space-time continuum; add bacon for $1.00.

7- The Classic Italian: Italians never really ate sandwiches, so this is not a sandwich, but a bowl of spaghetti.

6- The HoJo: New York Mets great Howard Johnson’s favorite! Mushrooms, onions and the flesh of New York Mets great Howard Johnson.

5- PB&J: Expecting peanut butter and jelly? This is pigeon bacon and jawbreakers.

4- The Family Reunion: We round up all of your relatives from all over the world and make them sit and watch you eat a big, sloppy cheese steak.

3- Ham and Cheese Surprise: We wouldn’t want to spoil it for you.

2- The Reversal: This time you make us a sandwich for once in your god damn life .

1- The Reuben: This is just a great sandwich that everybody loves.

I, a Senile Old Man, Yearn for the Simpler Times of My Horrible and Confusing Childhood

It’s hard to know what you can trust anymore. There’s the news, but now there’s also the fake news. The same thing can happen and, depending on which TV channel or homeless person you get your news from, you’ll get a different version. When I was a boy, there was only one channel; its name was We’re the Only Channel. We got our news from it and it was the real news. That’s how they’d sign off every night: “This was the real news, ladies and jellybeans”. They were simpler times, before the modern “funny” joke was invented.

Back then, you could trust the government. Lyndon Johnson, or President Lyndon Johnson, as he was widely known, sent me off to fight in the Vietnam War at the ripe age of nine. We lost some good children, but they lost some bad communists, so that’s ok. At least that’s what Mr. Johnson told me right before he took my wallet so he could pay to bring the boys back home. Only a true patriot would do something so rotten to help his country. 

The modern government isn’t so trustworthy. I heard they impeached the same president twice! I don’t know why they made him president again after they impeached him the first time, but then again “there are a lot of things I don’t know.” That’s what the tax man said when he took my wife from me.  That’s when Reaganomics came along, when the tax man started taking everyone’s wives.

Things were so much simpler when I was a kid. We used to play in the street until the streetlights came on. I can still hear the neighbors in their cars, honking and yelling “get out of the street, we can’t drive with you in the street!” Now, you hardly ever see any kids filling the streets with joy and danger and angry honks. I guess those neighbors finally won.

In school, we used to learn one version of history. You knew it was the real history with no malarkey because the textbook was called “Real History with No Malarkey.” Now, there’s all kinds of different versions of history. How are the kids supposed to know what happened and what didn’t happen? Did we evolve from monkeys, or were we designed by them? Was Christopher Columbus a hero, a villain, or a shared illusion? All I know is that I asked my grandson what he was doing on Columbus Day and he told me there was no Columbus Day and it was Indigenous People’s Day now, so I told him that there was no Santa Claus. I thought if I was old enough to know that there was no such thing as Columbus Day, then he was old enough to know that there’s no such thing as Santa. Well, we both were crying, so I guess neither of us was old enough.

That poor kid, he’s all mixed up because the world is so topsy-turvy. Sometimes he’ll say cruel hurtful things, like “that’s racist, Grandpa”, or “that’s sexist Grandpa”, but he doesn’t realize that I grew up in a time where there weren’t any minorities or women in America. It was an “old boys’ club”, as they say. Someday, he’ll be an old man, leering at women and complaining about immigrants at the Cracker Barrel, and he’ll wish he could apologize to his old Gramps. He won’t be able to, though, because by then I’ll be so rich that I’ll never speak to him or anyone else ever again. You see, if there’s one thing that’s been constant in this ever-changing country, it’s that the rich don’t have to do anything they don’t want to. I suppose that’s what makes America so great.

Living the Dream (1990)

“Wake up son, it’s time for space camp,” says your dad. “Are we rich now?” you ask. “No,” he says, “we’ve always been rich, we are old money. We’ve just kept it a secret until now. Now come downstairs and eat your pizza rolls.”

You have so many questions. Is space camp going to be hard? Will your teachers care that you are going to miss a week of school for space camp? Is your little brother coming to space camp? The answer to all of these questions is no.

You pack up your bags and hop on the bus to space camp. You are the oldest kid on the bus. Also you are driving the bus.

You get to space camp and you are greeted by the head counselor. “Put your pizza rolls in your cubbies and let’s get to work.” Space camp is totally awesome. All of the other kids are really nice and none of them have the same name as you. They have all sorts of space training activities, like eating astronaut ice cream and going on the ride where you spin around really fast and it feels like you are in space. At night you take the bus home and tell your mom and dad and little brother all about space camp. Your little brother is so jealous that he is crying. “This is why we didn’t send you to space camp,” your dad says.

The next day, at space camp, you realize that the head counselor looks a lot like Bill Parcels. That’s because he is Bill Parcels! “Space camp is a great place to find new football stars for the New York Giants,” he says. “Kid, you’ve got the goods.” They sign you to a rookie contract worth $1,000. “Wow, we aren’t just rich now, we are super rich,” says your Mom. She’s so happy that she’s crying. Everybody is crying but you.

Everyone on the New York Giants is really nice, especially Lawrence Taylor who is your new best friend. Your position is defense, which is pretty cool, but you want to play offense so you can score some touchdowns. Phil Simms gets to throw all of the touchdowns and get all of the glory. You and your new best friend, LT, are sick of him hogging the ball so much, so one day after the game you team up and give him a double wedgie. It turns out LT is so strong that it breaks Phil Simms’ butt and he can’t play football anymore. “Looks like you are the new quarterback of the New York Giants,” Bill Parcels says. You go to sleep to get some rest before the Super Bowl.

“Wake up son, it’s time for school,” says your dad. “Come downstairs and eat your pizza rolls.” Looks like it was all a dream. A wonderful, wonderful dream.

P.S. the end is a surprise twist because you aren’t allowed to eat pizza rolls and also you don’t have a dad.

Top 10 Reasons That We Should Be Sad When Macauly Culkin Dies at the End of My Girl Even Though He Provoked the Bees

10- Because they left him home alone

9- Because the movie was written by humans and not bees

8- Just beecause

7- Because emotional humans think with their hearts and not their stingers

6- Because it’s relatable since we’ve all attacked our fair share of beehives

5- Because it’s normal for kids to misbehive

4- Because if you start to sympathize with the bees then the bees win

3- Because it was a total buzzkill

2- Because we knew his career was dying with him

1- Because don’t you have a heart?

Top 10 Totally Acceptable Alternatives to $1,400 Stimulus Checks

Those clowns in congress can’t agree on the terms of the next stimulus check; some of them say it’s too much, some say it’s not enough. What a bunch of clowns! Here are ten suggestions that should make them and the American people happy:

10- Oversized $700 stimulus checks: Even though this would save $700 per person, everyone would feel like they are getting way more, or like they won a golf tournament!

9-  Stimulus bootstraps to pull yourself up by: We can all agree that this is the American way.

8- Stimulus chicks: We might be able to sneak this one by everyone, I mean it sounds the same. Baby chickens would cost the government less, keep people occupied during quarantine and can be eaten in emergencies.

7- “I Lost My Job Due to Covid and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt” novelty stimulus t-shirts: Humor is the greatest gift of all.

6- Stimulus Glocks: Handouts and handguns, both sides of the aisle get what they want!

5- ¥1,400 stimulus checks: This will sound like a good amount to the American people, but it’s only like 13 bucks.

4- A functioning economy that works for all Americans: Ok, just hear me out. No? You won’t even listen? Fine then….

3- Mitch McConnell stimulus dunk tank: Free money is great, but give the people what they really want.

2- A second Super Bowl: That was a nice distraction from the poverty everyone is slipping into, we can just do that again.

1- A shoulder to cry on: Isn’t this just what everyone really needs? What? They need food and shelter, too?! FOREVER?! Oh shit, sounds like $1,400 isn’t gonna cut it.

I, Charles “Chaz” Fitzpatrick, Request You Change the Name of Your Autonomous Zone

Dear Anarchists,

For the last 31 years, I, Charles Fitzpatrick, have been known to all by the name “Chaz”. It is on my marriage certificate, my diploma, hell I even somehow got them to put it on my CPA license. Some people probably think it’s my birth name by now. In fact, I can’t remember a single instance in the last 5 years where anyone has called me by any other name than Chaz. From one Chaz to another, I am politely requesting that you change the name of your Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone.

Sure, it’s a free country and you can technically name your hippie paradise whatever you want, but we both know that we want no association with each other. The name Chaz has historically been mostly reserved for stuffy, upper-middle class white guys. Close your eyes and think of the name Chaz. What do you see? Is it revolution? Is it equality? Or is it tax loopholes? Is that really the association you want with your temporary false utopia? If you want to be a Chaz, maybe you should be demanding Izod shirts instead of granola bars. Also, you shouldn’t be putting yourself in real danger for any reason or standing up for your ideals.

On the other side of the coin (assuming you remember how currency works), us real Chazzes want no association with you. Do you know how much shit I’ve taken at the boat club, lately? This may be a fun little game for you. After this is done, you can go back to working wherever you work; Whole Foods, or a head shop, or nowhere. I need to live with this name forever! My name is on my business cards. Whenever I hand it to someone years from now, I’m sure it’ll get a nice chuckle. Us Chazzes don’t really run in the same circles as you or your sympathizers. This isn’t really a positive association for us. In the past, when people heard the name Chaz, they thought: Oh, there’s a man who never struggled a day in his life and will retire in his 50s. Now, they will hear it and think: Oh, just like the wackos who seceded! I’ve built my reputation over the years by following the rules that were built specifically to make Chazzes succeed and prosper. To have it destroyed by another Chaz is demoralizing and just won’t stand!

So, it’s clear one of us has to change our name. I can’t. As I’ve already established, I’ve had this name a whole lot longer than you have. And what would I change it to? Chuck? I’d have to buy a pair of overalls to go with that. Charles? Way too formal. I’m going for casual-classy here. A man of leisure. No, you should be the one to change your name. Maybe you could pick a name that wouldn’t mind associating with you, like Arlo or Otis or something. I don’t even understand why it needs to be a real name, honestly.

Trust me when I say that the rest of us Chazzes have absolutely no problem with the state of policing in this country. We have never had a negative interaction with the police and don’t feel the least bit uncomfortable by their presence. We do not understand your cause and you do not have our support. If you do not comply with my request and change the name of your autonomous zone, I’m afraid I’m going to have to do something drastic. That’s right, I am going to get together with the other Chazzes and use our age-old Chaz methods on you. We’ll be calling our HOAs. We’ll be complaining loudly in front of politicians on golf courses. We’ll be making inappropriate jokes in e-mail chains and in our rec room bars. These methods have been proven to work for decades. Let me tell you, as a man who always gets his way, that is how you get your way in America. And if things get really bad? We’ll call the police. That always works out just fine for a Chaz.

In summary, your autonomous zone, particularly its naming, was clearly not very well thought out. This lack of foresight and consideration is the exact reason your new society will fail. That and this country’s deep-seated racism, the two-party political system, the idea of American exceptionalism and fear of change. If you would like to send an apology letter, please leave it at a Tommy Bahama store and one of us will surely find it there.

Respectfully yours,

A real Chaz