A Man Eating Chicken

My whole life I was told that being a bully would get me nowhere. That I’d never amount to anything. That my lifestyle of giving swirlies and stealing lunch money would lead to nothing but juvie. Well, I’ve proven them all wrong. I noogied my way to the top and now I’m the boss here. 

First off, there are going to be some changes. I am getting rid of the employee of the month program and replacing it with the loser of the month program. And you have all won it. That’s right dweebs, the world isn’t fair and neither is this workplace. Those important reports that you’ve been working on for months? I shredded them and turned them into spitballs, to spit at you.

You may be wondering why they put a bully like me, who can barely do math, in charge of this accounting office. Well, that’s a tough question. You know what else is a tough question? WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF?! Another tough question is: what are the basic rules of accounting? Like the previous questions, some things are better left a mystery.

All you poindexters studied hard for your degrees and your CPAs and whatever other nerd shit you do thinking it would all pay off. Well it didn’t. You should’ve been practicing your wet willies, like I did. I know what you’re thinking: isn’t it just as gross to give someone a wet willy as it is to get one? Well we’re all about to find out. After that, you’ll have to excuse me as I have a meeting with HR.

Hi, I’m Tony Russo, and I’ve been a New York City Police Officer for the last 15 years. Being a police officer, I’ve heard just about every stereotype you could imagine about cops and most of them aren’t true. We don’t sit around eating donuts all day, that’s for sure! One stereotype that is true, however, is that we do the whole good cop/bad cop routine. I haven’t done this my whole career, but my partner, Sal, and I started doing this a couple of years back and I tell you what: it really works.

So like I said, the whole thing started a couple of years ago. We were interrogating this guy who was suspected of doing some pretty horrific stuff, the kind of thing I don’t want to put into print. Anyway, I’m giving him the third degree, telling him he’s never gonna see the light of day again, that we’ve already got evidence that’s gonna get him on death row. Meanwhile, Sal’s acting like he’s this guy’s lawyer, saying he’s gonna help get him off with a slap on the wrist, maybe community service. The perp’s just gotta throw us a bone, tell us a little something so that we can get the facts straight and get clearance to release him. Anyway, to cut to the chase, the guy told us everything we needed to know and it was an open and shut case.

This was a big case and it was the first time we tried the whole good cop/bad cop thing, so we decided to go celebrate after work. We went out to McSwiggan’s to have a couple of beers. Sal cut out after that, but I was really feeling it, so a couple turned into a dozen and after work turned into 4AM. Needless to say, I was late to work the next day and while Sal got praised for closing the case the day before, I got chewed out for being late and also for throwing up at work.

This other time, we were at a routine traffic stop; guy just ran a red light. We ran the plates and it turned out the car was stolen. So I’m giving the guy a hard time, telling him that this is a school zone and we are gonna throw the book at him: impound his car, points on his license, the whole nine yards. Meanwhile, Sal is asking him questions about his car like he’s this big gearhead, what kind of engine does it have? What’s the 0-60 time? How long’s he had it? Well, the guy’s story isn’t adding up and he pretty much lets up that the car is hot. Bing bang boom, open and shut case! We cuff the guy and I pocketed all the cash in the wallet when I checked his ID, like I always do. It works, good cop/bad cop!

We’ve been running this routine so much, we are starting to get nicknames. People call Sal good cop and people call me bad cop. My boss even calls us that at our annual reviews! It’s great this thing has taken a life of its own, because it works so well.

Our highest profile case was last year, when we were chasing down the East Side Slasher. We were talking to a suspect on the street, doing our usual thing. Sal was asking him typical good cop questions, where were you on these nights, yadda yadda yadda. Meanwhile, I’m doing my bad cop thing, telling him I know that it was him, that he can’t even talk a lawyer if he wants to, that he’s as good as dead. So anyway, sometime while I’m talking, the guy gets spooked and starts running. We’re chasing him down and it’s just like a movie. We’re going between cars and down alleyways and finally we catch the guy. I grab him by the neck, I draw my gun and start reading him his last rites. I even put a round in his leg to show him I meant business. All the sudden, the guy confesses. Classic good cop/bad cop! 

Even at the trial, the judge recognized it, he called Sal the good cop and me the bad cop. And right when he said it I stood up and yelled out, “There’s a guy who gets it!” Come to think of it, I probably don’t even need to tell you this story, we got famous for our routine. They put me on the cover of the Post for being the “Bad Cop”. I bet Sal’s pissed, they didn’t even have his picture in the article. It just goes to show you, it’s a great routine, but it’s way better to be the bad cop than the good cop, because that’s who everybody remembers.

Everyone always says “that’s not my cup of tea” to describe something they don’t enjoy, but most people don’t know there’s an interesting story behind that phrase. Back in 1705, Queen Anne was hosting high tea. She put down her cup of tea and left the room to use the chamber pot. When she returned, she picked up what she thought was her cup of tea, took a sip and immediately spat it out, yelling “that’s not my cup of tea”. You see, Queen Anne drank her tea with milk, while this tea was black. She then found out whose cup of tea it was and had that person hanged for treason.

That’s not the only phrase with an interesting story behind it. Today people say “spill the beans” for letting a secret slip out. To stave off episodes of gout, Queen Anne was put on a strict diet of beans in 1698. One of her maidservants was bringing her a plate of fava beans for a mid-morning snack. The maidservant, rushing to bring the plate of beans to the Queen, tripped, spilling the beans everywhere. She collected them onto the plate and served them to the Queen without her knowing. Later, another maidservant let Queen Anne know of what had transpired. She had both maidservants hanged for treason.

To celebrate her pregnancy in 1694, a group of chicken farmers in England gave Queen Anne a basket of eggs as a symbol of her fertility. When the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, she asked for the name of every farmer who “put all of their eggs in one basket”. Anne the Tyrant then had those farmers and their chickens hanged for treason. That is why today we say “don’t put all your eggs in one basket”, because of bloodthirsty Queen Anne.