The day has changed and so have the rules. The wildly successful Dr. Anthony Fauci Super Stumpers is back to provide new guidance on your toughest Covid related questions. Dr. Fauci is here now to field your stumpiest stumpers!
Q: I’ve been hearing all about blood clods caused by the Johnson & Johnson vaccine. Is it true that it really puts tiny idiots in your blood?
A: There is no evidence that those who received the Johnson & Johnson vaccine have any higher risk of clods in their blood than the general population.
Q: I went to the my vaccine clinic and got my “circle circle dot dot now I’ve got my Covid shot” but they didn’t give me my “circle circle square square now I’ve got it everywhere”. Do I have immunity everywhere, or only on the dot dot?
A: You may want to check your vaccination card, as it sounds like you may have gone to the wrong clinic.
Q: Covid restrictions have been the only thing keeping my insufferable brother-in-law from coming by our house. Now you are saying that it is ok for him to come visit without a mask on. Can you impose any distancing restrictions on him specifically? He’s really just the worst.
A: You may want to consider developing a high-risk condition, like diabetes, which would impose some distancing restrictions on this social pariah.
Q: I signed up for a blood drive recently, but was exposed to someone who had the Covid. Should I donate my blood, or instead take some of my wife’s blood to donate, as she was not exposed to the Covid?
A: Please check with the vampires running the blood drive, as they are the experts on this one.
Q: I heard that Covid, along with the rest of the world is a hoax and that we are all living in a simulation. Can you confirm whether that is true?
A: I don’t think we are living in a simulation, however I could just be programmed to say that.
Q: I’ve heard a lot about this new UK Covid variant. I’ve also been enthralled by the latest drama with the royal family. It all seems so petty and I normally hate the Queen, but I can’t seem to look away. Could I have the UK Covid variant, making me love the Queen?
A: I am not sure the UK Covid variant actually makes you love the Queen, but just to be safe you should deprive yourself of all tea, which the UK Covid variant needs to survive.
Q: I heard some otters at the zoo recently got Covid. Is that the saddest thing you’ve ever heard?
A: As a medical professional who has has to tell people about the deaths of their loved ones, yes that is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.
We are out of time, but thanks for playing another round of Dr. Anthony Fauci SUPER STUMPERS! All participants will receive a free J&J vaccine (non-tainted) and a novelty “I survived the Coronavirus” shirt. Join us in a few months, as I’m sure this won’t be over, for another round of SUPER STUMPERS.
A Man Eating Chicken 