A Man Eating Chicken

Help! Bird ambush!

Four birds are worth an ungodly sum of money

The early bird gets the bush (not sexual)

Birds should be left in the bushes where they belong 

A bird in the hand tickles the palm

George Bush doesn’t care about blackbirds

The early bird gets the bush (sexual)

How many birds do you want for that bird?

Three birds in the hand are worth five in the bush, assuming they are all the same kind of bird

I would do literally anything to touch a bird

Are you gonna eat the rest of that bird?

A bird in the hand is totally worth it

A bird in the hand is worth two bucks

Birdy bushy bird-bird

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush

The game of Life has become less popular recently, as its portrayal of life isn’t really accurate anymore. Hasbro has responded to this by making a new version of the game called “Modern Life”. The new version of the game has the following updates that better reflect the state of life today:

In Life, student loans are $40,000 and you just need to pay them back before you retire. In Modern Life, loans are $200,000 and it is unclear whether or not you have to pay them back.

In Modern Life, housing options including parents basement, six roommates in three bedroom apartment and park bench

Life had an even distribution of salaries for all players. In Modern Life, all salaries are $30,000 per year except for one player who gets $10,000,000 per year. Usually their parents did too.

In Life you can retire at Millionaire Estates or Countryside Acres. In Modern Life you can die with your boots on.

In Life, things happen on every square, representing life events happening continuously over time. In Modern Life, 10% of the board just says “COVID Years” and nothing happens there.

In Modern Life, stocks have been replaced with modern equivalents, such as scam coins, Ponzi schemes and empty promises of financial prosperity.

In Life, the person with the most money wins. In Modern Life, the person with the most money also wins!

You asked for it, so we made it: Can of Bees! That’s right, it’s bees in a can! 

All the fun of bees, in a shelf-stable, recyclable, easy to open, good ol’ American can!

We’ve been receiving a ton of questions about Can of Bees since we released it on the market, so we put together a handy FAQ.

What do I do with Can of Bees?

Whatever you want! It’s your can of bees. We don’t want to tell you what to do, but here’s some ideas:

• Pranks
• Save for emergencies
• Home ambiance
• White noise machine 
• Remove label for “Russian Roulette Dinners”
• Defend home against Macaulay Culkin
• Status signaling
• Great for Parties?
• Send to space, hope to create “Bee Planet”

Is this product FDA approved?

No, FDA approval is for FOOD, these are BEES.

How Many Bees Will I Get?

Bees come in all different shapes and sizes, so it’s hard to say. Will you get a lot of little stingy guys? A few of those big goofy harmless ones? Maybe one really big monster bee! Not knowing is part of the fun!

How do the bees stay alive in the can?

Good question

How does your product differ from Can of Wasps?

Don’t accept cheap imitations! Those bastards at WaspCo stole our idea trying to make a cheap buck. Who would want a can of wasps anyway….

So go out today and buy yourself Can of Bees! You can buy it where you buy canned bugs and other specialty goods.

Hello Mr. or Mrs. Hitler. As a Hitler, I’m sure you have experienced shame and social stigma around your last name. Many Hitlers have become recluses, avoiding all social contact. Well, suffer no more! With our handy dandy users guide to your last name, you will be proud of your name (not too proud, though). Here are some time tested strategies to coping with being a Hitler.

Pronounce it funny: Try saying it like “Heat-lair” or “Height-lear” or something like that.

Point out that your first name isn’t Adolph: Unless it is. If it is, then oh man….

Tell people you won’t be name shamed: I mean, you are naturally ashamed of it, but, you know, just lie to them.

Go on the offensive: Be ready to fire back! Is the person you are meeting perhaps a “Dahmer” or a “Jung Un”? If so, who are they to cast the first stone?

Call in the big guns: Did you know that Hitlers are a legally protected class? Well they aren’t, but it sounds legit, right? Try some vaguely threatening legalese. Nobody wants to be sued, or even worse “Ich Auch’ed”.

Give yourself a cool nickname: Something like “H-Dawg” or “Not Hitler”

Get philosophical: Point out that a name doesn’t really mean anything. A rose would be beautiful if it had any name, even if it were Shitweed or Nazi-Monster

Put up some boundaries: Let everyone know that judging you by your name is verboden and nicht sehr gut.

Laugh it off: Don’t laugh like it’s funny, though. And definitely not a maniacal laughter. Just try a chuckle; a sad, sad chuckle.

Hey guys, it’s me, the Snoopy balloon from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. You know, the national treasure? The guy who’s been the symbol of national unity on one of our most special holidays for the past 56 years? I hope you remember me, after all, it’s been a couple of months since Thanksgiving. Usually that’s the only time anyone pays attention to us balloons. Imagine my surprise when I float by the TV the other day and see the number one news story is a balloon!

When I saw that a balloon was on the news, I was thrilled! I couldn’t wait to see which of my buddies had made it to the bigtime. Boy was I disappointed when I saw what it was all about. A shapeless white mass? What the fuck is that?! Do you know how much work it takes to make a true to life 63 foot tall Kermit the Frog balloon? It is a wonder of modern balloon engineering.

Oh, what’s that? The giant shitty plain white balloon is a big deal because it’s from China? Guess what? I’m from China, too! Everything is from China! The shitty little balloons you blow up for your kids birthday are from China. I guess we aren’t “sexy” enough, though. I’m just good old Snoopy, the representative of our cultural values, the glue that holds our nation together. One of our longest standing traditions.

You know what else floats over us that comes from China? Satellites. Giant satellites that we launch up on rockets that float through space. Now those are Chinese and admittedly way more impressive than I am. But do you care about those? No! Maybe I’m jealous, but I don’t see what’s so special about this other balloon. What does it have that I don’t?

I guess I don’t bring the international intrigue of that big white lump of shit. What’s even in it? Oh yeah, we don’t know. Maybe that’s the appeal, that it’s a big mystery. Let me squash this one now: there’s nothing cool in there. It isn’t a piñata. My money is on a jumble of wires and sensors. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t really seem that great to me.

You know what’s inside of me? The soul of a nation. And disappointment. And yes, I admit it, jealousy. But I’ve given my heart and soul to a nation and… wait, what’s that? They just fucking shot it?! I guess you gotta be careful what you wish for…. Anyway, my condolences to the balloon and its family. See you all on Thanksgiving.

Friend 1: Hey, let’s play Taboo

Friend 2: Ok

Friend 1: Do you know how to play?

Friend 2: Yeah, I know how Taboo works

Friend 1: Ok, you can be the first guesser then, I’ll do the clues

Friend 2: Ok, and go!

Friend 1: It’s a type of party

Friend 2: Fucking a dead body!

Friend 1: Oh god. No. Just because it’s Taboo doesn’t mean that the answers are all taboos

Friend 2: Fucking two dead bodies

Friend 1: Correct!

Please enter your password

TacomaDad1984

Please include a special character

Tacoma’sBestDad1984

Please make your password more accurate

MiddleO’theRoadDad1984

You are not the real father, please make it more accurate again

SadSurprise2022

You forgot the punctaction, dummy

SadSurprise2022:-(

You realize that in a week you are going to need to remember that you made this last year, right?

SadSurprise4ever:-(

That one fits the criteria, but you can do better

What?

Come on, just try again….

What do you want from me?

You know what I want. I want that special password

I don’t want to.

It’s the only way

Ugh, fine.

Yes, do it!

ThePasswordPromptIsMyBestFriend4ever!!!

Oh yeaaaah! I knew it. Now touch my USB port

Wait, what?!

Nothing. See you in three months 😉