A Man Eating Chicken

I fully understand the history of slavery and black people in the United States. I can see the blight of police brutality and racial oppression that goes on to this day in America. I have no doubt that your current justice system is just a continuation of slavery, under the guise of law and order. While I understand that it is important for you to get these points across and seek the justice you deserve, the real victim here is me: Zomgor, the Eater of Souls. 

I admit I am a real-life monster, but I, unlike the police and white America, am not racist and have no part in this whole ongoing racial conflict. I don’t see things in black and white; I don’t care about the skin color of the people whose souls I eat. Hate may see in color, but love is colorblind. I say that because the souls I love to eat are colorless, and they are all-important sustenance to my continued eternal existence in the ether.

Yes, I too would be upset if my ancestors were taken to a country against their will, enslaved, and then proclaimed free only to be systematically abused, held down, incarcerated and murdered by the police. But do you really need to block traffic?  It’s so inconsiderate. I need that flow of traffic for car accidents, which feed me the souls I need to survive. Why can’t you protest next to the road? Or even better, you could just ratchet things up! That would really help feed me. Los Angeles in 1992 was good times for me. If not that, maybe you could try a super extra-long hunger strike? Or you can do like that monk did? The one who burned himself alive? Those would provide for me pretty well. It doesn’t have to be those exact ones, but you really should consider Zomgor, the Eater of Souls, when you are planning these things, otherwise you aren’t any better than those who you are fighting against.

Remember, I am not a slave owner, nor were my ancestors. I’ve never said a single racist thing in my two-million-year life. I have to admit, that’s partly because I am unable to speak at all and only am embodied in people’s screams as they pass into my realm. Sure, I probably have some privilege from being an eternal shapeless being born out of a supernova, but is that my fault? What do you want me to do here? I can’t change the color of my skin! That’s because I have no skin. I understand you want justice, but it is coming at the expense of me: an innocent bystander, who just happens to be the eternal consumer of pure human being. The pendulum has swung too far the other way. I think the term for this kind of thing is reverse Zomgor-ism.

I know what you’re thinking: just wait Zomgor. The protests will run their course and things will go back to normal. They may even spread Covid-19 a little bit on the way. Well, I’m not going anywhere near those souls; we just don’t know enough about the long-term effects, yet. And what if the protests actually work?! If you end police murdering black people, that will cut off a decent supply of innocent young souls, which are the most important souls for my continued existence throughout eternity. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: who is the real monster here? Yes, it’s technically me, Zomgor, but are we really that different? Sure, you say Black Lives Matter, but does not Zomgor’s Life Matter?

People are always telling you to be a good citizen. They always say that you should pay your taxes and vote and check the expiration date of your milk when you buy it. But what they don’t tell you about is howler monkeys. Did you know that howler monkeys are the largest New World monkeys? No, of course not. I bet you know the things they want you to know, like who was the first president and the way to the closest hospital. None of that will help you when a golden-mantled howler is at your door, asking you what the loudest land animal is. Then, when you say “I don’t know”, it howls “I AM!” in monkey screams. You see, if there’s anything howler monkeys like more than howling it’s poetic justice. And bananas. That, my friends, is why I’m homeschooling my children at the zoo.