We Are the Meek and, No Thanks, We Don’t Want to Inherit the Earth

Hello, I am Terry “Pizza Face” Jones, and I have been nominated to be the spokesman for the meek. You know: the docile, the submissive, the wedgied masses. For thousands of years we have been told that we will someday inherit the Earth. We were recently alerted that the day has finally come and weContinue reading “We Are the Meek and, No Thanks, We Don’t Want to Inherit the Earth”

Guns Don’t Kill People, the Boundary Conditions of the Universe Kill People

Inevitably, after every mass shooting in America there’s the same public outcry: it’s time to ban guns. To those who say that, I respond: the gun didn’t shoot itself. There are many out there who agree with this sentiment, and many of them say that it’s an issue of training responsible gun owners and dealingContinue reading “Guns Don’t Kill People, the Boundary Conditions of the Universe Kill People”

Medical Advice You Can Trust

If you’ve watched the news lately, you’ve noticed there’s been a lot of medical advice and talk about different Covid treatments. My dad always told me that the best medicine for anything was alcohol, not complaining and never, ever messing with the thermostat. He lost his medical license when I was still a small child,Continue reading “Medical Advice You Can Trust”

Sorry, I Won’t Be Attending Your Zoom Vow Renewal Because of Some Kind of Disorder I Have

Hello Carly, I received the invite to your vow renewal with your husband, Todd. I know this is a big deal to you; you’ve been married for two long years and you want to show Todd that you still love him after all this time. I mean, why wouldn’t you? It’s only been two years. Anyway,Continue reading “Sorry, I Won’t Be Attending Your Zoom Vow Renewal Because of Some Kind of Disorder I Have”

The Role of Children’s Games in Society

In ancient societies, children’s games prepared their young for adult activities. Sports and games of tag prepared their youth to hunt and fight in wars. As society evolved, our games evolved to prepare our youth for their changing roles as adults. Here are how some modern children’s games prepare our young ones for the adultContinue reading “The Role of Children’s Games in Society”

The Merriam-Webster Word of the Year for 2021 is a Defeated Sigh

Every year, our panel of experts at Merriam-Webster discuss candidates for word of the year and choose a winner that is judged to reflect the ethos, mood, or preoccupations of that particular year and to have lasting potential as a word of cultural significance. This word should be common and well known, a term thatContinue reading “The Merriam-Webster Word of the Year for 2021 is a Defeated Sigh”

Modern Metamorphosis

Gregor Samsa wakes up one morning to find himself transformed into an insect. This is surprising at first, but then again Donald Trump did become president, so anything seems possible. Like a responsible citizen, Gregor checks if insect transformation is a symptom of Covid. Seeing that it is not, Gregor is immediately relieved. Stuck onContinue reading “Modern Metamorphosis”

My Shark Tank Pitch: Jurassic Park, but with Animals

Hey guys, I’m a big fan of this show and can’t believe I’m actually on it! I’m not an inventor or an entrepreneur, just your everyday guy who came up with a life changing idea. So, you all know the movie Jurassic Park, right? The one where scientists recreate dinosaurs from preserved dino blood andContinue reading “My Shark Tank Pitch: Jurassic Park, but with Animals”

I’m a Turkey Pardoned by Joe Biden and I Wish He Would Have Killed and Eaten Me

Hello, my name is “Peanut Butter”, at least that’s what the god damn President of the USA told everyone. Turkeys don’t have names. You’d think the leader of the free world would know that. Anyway, if you watch the news, you probably saw last week that he pardoned me and my buddy “Jelly”. Well, asContinue reading “I’m a Turkey Pardoned by Joe Biden and I Wish He Would Have Killed and Eaten Me”