A Man Eating Chicken

Dear Anarchists,

For the last 31 years, I, Charles Fitzpatrick, have been known to all by the name “Chaz”. It is on my marriage certificate, my diploma, hell I even somehow got them to put it on my CPA license. Some people probably think it’s my birth name by now. In fact, I can’t remember a single instance in the last 5 years where anyone has called me by any other name than Chaz. From one Chaz to another, I am politely requesting that you change the name of your Capitol Hill Autonomous Zone.

Sure, it’s a free country and you can technically name your hippie paradise whatever you want, but we both know that we want no association with each other. The name Chaz has historically been mostly reserved for stuffy, upper-middle class white guys. Close your eyes and think of the name Chaz. What do you see? Is it revolution? Is it equality? Or is it tax loopholes? Is that really the association you want with your temporary false utopia? If you want to be a Chaz, maybe you should be demanding Izod shirts instead of granola bars. Also, you shouldn’t be putting yourself in real danger for any reason or standing up for your ideals.

On the other side of the coin (assuming you remember how currency works), us real Chazzes want no association with you. Do you know how much shit I’ve taken at the boat club, lately? This may be a fun little game for you. After this is done, you can go back to working wherever you work; Whole Foods, or a head shop, or nowhere. I need to live with this name forever! My name is on my business cards. Whenever I hand it to someone years from now, I’m sure it’ll get a nice chuckle. Us Chazzes don’t really run in the same circles as you or your sympathizers. This isn’t really a positive association for us. In the past, when people heard the name Chaz, they thought: Oh, there’s a man who never struggled a day in his life and will retire in his 50s. Now, they will hear it and think: Oh, just like the wackos who seceded! I’ve built my reputation over the years by following the rules that were built specifically to make Chazzes succeed and prosper. To have it destroyed by another Chaz is demoralizing and just won’t stand!

So, it’s clear one of us has to change our name. I can’t. As I’ve already established, I’ve had this name a whole lot longer than you have. And what would I change it to? Chuck? I’d have to buy a pair of overalls to go with that. Charles? Way too formal. I’m going for casual-classy here. A man of leisure. No, you should be the one to change your name. Maybe you could pick a name that wouldn’t mind associating with you, like Arlo or Otis or something. I don’t even understand why it needs to be a real name, honestly.

Trust me when I say that the rest of us Chazzes have absolutely no problem with the state of policing in this country. We have never had a negative interaction with the police and don’t feel the least bit uncomfortable by their presence. We do not understand your cause and you do not have our support. If you do not comply with my request and change the name of your autonomous zone, I’m afraid I’m going to have to do something drastic. That’s right, I am going to get together with the other Chazzes and use our age-old Chaz methods on you. We’ll be calling our HOAs. We’ll be complaining loudly in front of politicians on golf courses. We’ll be making inappropriate jokes in e-mail chains and in our rec room bars. These methods have been proven to work for decades. Let me tell you, as a man who always gets his way, that is how you get your way in America. And if things get really bad? We’ll call the police. That always works out just fine for a Chaz.

In summary, your autonomous zone, particularly its naming, was clearly not very well thought out. This lack of foresight and consideration is the exact reason your new society will fail. That and this country’s deep-seated racism, the two-party political system, the idea of American exceptionalism and fear of change. If you would like to send an apology letter, please leave it at a Tommy Bahama store and one of us will surely find it there.

Respectfully yours,

A real Chaz