CDC Guidance for Returning to the Office

As you may know, we at the CDC recently issued new guidelines that vaccinated individuals can resume normal activities. This has guidance has led to a lot of businesses, including offices, resuming normal in-person operations. Many Americans have not been to an office in over a year, and this can be a major adjustment. The following are our recommendations for preparing to return to the office and guidelines for behavior in an office setting:

  • Now that masks aren’t required, pull your mask down below your nose when you can just take it off completely, just to confuse your coworkers.
  • Make sure your first lunch back is the stinkiest one in the office, to position yourself as the Alpha worker.
  • Attribute any mistakes or poor performance over the next three years to Covid fatigue. If anyone calls you out on it, tell them they are giving you bullshit fatigue.
  • Alternatively complain about how hard working at home was and how hard working in an office is.
  • You are now free to ignore office social norms that you always wanted to and blame it on not being used to working in an office. This includes burping loudly, screaming constantly and other social norms most people follow even at home.
  • You may officially refer to everyone in the office as “pal” or “chief” for up to one week while you relearn their names.
  • Whenever you cough or sneeze, no matter what the cause, be sure to yell “IT’S ONLY ALLERGIES! PLEASE DON’T SEND ME BACK!”
  • Steal your coworkers lunches every day. If they ask you about it, just say the CDC lifted ALL restrictions for vaccinated individuals.
  • Be sure to ask everyone if they got their “microchip injection” yet. Remember, HIPAA laws and the laws of what’s actually funny do not apply to individuals.
  • Now that you are going to work again, you can refer to yourself as a frontline hero forever.
  • If anyone asks if you’re vaccinated, proper response include winking, shrugging and finger guns.
  • While CDC guidelines say that vaccinated individuals don’t require masks, states and employers may require employees to wear masks. If your employer does, be sure to write a lengthy e-mail to HR about freedom and the science you read on the internet. Be sure to use lots of capital letters so they know you’re serious. Whatever you do, don’t include any actual suggestions, only complaints.
  • If the last year hasn’t been hell for you, for God’s sake do not tell your coworkers as you may risk driving them further into their mental cave of depression.

Thanks for listening and we sincerely hope that the novelty of returning to an office lasts for at least a week until it reverts to constantly crushing your soul like it used to.

Love,
The CDC  – xoxo

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