A Man Eating Chicken

With some vagaries in the recently published CDC guidance, many questions have arisen regarding health decisions of Americans who have received the Covid-19 vaccine. While many of these questions are fairly routine, we’ve assembled some of the toughest questions for a special “Super Stumpers” Q&A session with America’s favorite doctor: Dr. Anthony Fauci.

Q: I’ve been vaccinated but my spouse has not. Is it appropriate to divorce them for a more attractive, higher earning partner who has also been vaccinated?

A: Yes, divorce is definitely recommended, but only if the new partner has received the second dose of their vaccine at least 14 days ago.

Q: I’ve been told mixing shots can be less effective. I received the first Pfizer shot two weeks ago. If I take a Jack Daniel’s shot today will it give me the same immunity as the second Pfizer shot?

A: No, but you might want to try Wild Turkey.

Q: I climbed into a van that had “COVID VAXYNASHUNS” spray-painted on the outside. I blacked out, but I suspect I wasn’t given a Covid vaccination and was instead beaten unmercifully and robbed. I’m not sure, though. Is it ok for me to have small gatherings with friends?

A: You may have maskless gatherings with up to 10 people from 2 other households, so long as they also received their van beatings at least 14 days ago.

Q: If you are really a doctor, where is your little silver thing you wear around your neck and all your doctor’s clothes?

A: Doctors have not been required to wear their sanitary white coats and stethoscopes at all times since the 90’s.

Q: Your initial statements didn’t give any guidance on whether flying is ok now, can you elaborate?

A: We said that you should avoid traveling by airplane where possible.

Q: I know, but I’m not talking about airplanes, I’m talking about good old fashion flapping.

A: “Flapping” or “bird flying,” as it’s known as in the medical community, is safe so long as you maintain 6 feet social distance in all directions. Please remember that since you are in the sky this 6 feet includes birds above and below you.

Q: I heard that the Johnson & Johnson vaccine is only 66% effective, have they considered adding another Johnson, theoretically making it 99% effective?

A: The Johnson & Johnson & Johnson vaccine is currently undergoing clinical trials and is not approved for use yet.

Q: I’m afraid of needles, so I closed my eyes during both doses of my vaccine. Am I only immune when my eyes are closed?

A: Since you closed your eyes for both doses, that should cancel out and you should be ok. If you close your eyes for only one dose, however, you would only have “eyes-closed” immunity.

Q: I am a dog. Do I need a Covid vaccination and also how did I learn to talk?

A: Covid vaccinations are not appropriate for dogs. As far as the talking goes, I guess you are a “Goofy” type dog, as opposed to a “Pluto” type dog.

Q: As a “Goofy” type dog, should I feel guilty if my friends own “Pluto” type dogs?

A: As an anthropomorphic dog, you are closer genetically to humans than dogs, and while mixed-emotions are normal in this situation, you have no reason to feel guilty.

Q: Your guidance advised that I should continue to follow guidance from my employer, but they keep asking me to do things that seems unsafe, like licking strangers. Should I follow this guidance?

A: Sure, why not? This is America, businesses know best!

Q: I’ve been watching Two and a Half Men all the time lately, and I’m concerned that I have no taste. I heard that losing your taste can be caused by the Covid. Do I have the Covid?

A: Yes, you almost certainly have the Covid.

That ends our first “Super Stumpers” Q&A session. Thank you for joining us! Please join us again real soon, when despite reality not changing at all, the rules will all be changing creating a new round of SUPER STUMPERS!

Hello people of Mississippi. It’s me, your governor, Tate Reeves. I called this press conference to discuss a very important matter, the role of government. Now, it has come to my attention that many of you think that the roles of government include establishing and enforcing the rules of law. Some of you may call this “telling people what they can and cannot do.” Well, I’ve been doing some soul-searching. This whole Covid thing has given me lots of time to sit down with my thoughts and consider what I really want to do. Was it my dream to tell people what to do? You may think that, since I ran for governor, that yes it was my dream. Well, dreams aren’t always all they are cracked up to be. Plans change. It’s like when you buy six Big Macs on a dare. One of those dares where if you eat them all in an hour your buddies will pay for them, but by the time you get half-way through the second one you are disgusted. Well that’s me right now, disgusted by my initial meaty aspirations. That is why as of today, the government of Mississippi is no longer in the business of telling people what they can and cannot do.

You may be asking, what business are you going into then? Well, like I said, I’ve been doing some soul-searching and I’ve got my idea: taffy making. From this day forward, the government of the great state of Mississippi is a taffy making operation! Think about it: who doesn’t love taffy? Delicious sweet, salty and chewy taffy. Don’t you just think of summer at the beach?

Most importantly, taffy will never, ever tell you the basic public health guidelines to help slow a major pandemic. You wanna talk freedom? Look at all the flavors to choose from! There is nothing that says America like bin after bin of delicious sugary confections. There may be some skeptics out there who think the government of Mississippi doesn’t know the first thing about taffy making. Well, I saw a Youtube about it, and you just dump a bunch of chemicals in a big old pot and out comes the taffy. Easy as pie (which, by the way, is much harder to make than taffy.)

I’ll take some questions now.

Reporter: What about general law and order?

That’s a good question. Like I said, we are no longer in the business of telling people what they can and cannot do.

Reporter: Well, is murder ok now?

Look, you really shouldn’t be turning to us, a taffy making outfit, for guidance on whether or not it is ok to murder another human being. Maybe you should be asking us questions more appropriate for a taffy making company.

Reporter: Ok, can I have some taffy?

Sure, what flavor do you want?

Reporter: Cotton candy.

You cannot have that, we don’t offer that flavor yet. You can have watermelon though.

Reporter: Ok, I’ll take half a pound of watermelon.

Great, that will be one hundred dollars.

Reporter: That is insane, I don’t have one hundred dollars on me for taffy.

Then you sir, have the freedom to leave this fine taffy store and not come back. Are there any other questions?

Reporter: Is it true that you use aspartame, a known carcinogen, in your taffy?

Good sir, we aren’t in the business of telling people which sweeteners people can and cannot eat, and which cancers people can and cannot have. Any more questions?

Reporter: Can you address the allegations you worked a kickback scheme with your salt supplier?

The government of Mississippi, which is now a taffy making company, is also getting out of the business of answering questions. Good night.

The COVID-19 pandemic has been unlike anything that any of us have seen in our lives. There’s the obvious things: the deaths, the long-haulers who have been sick for months, those who have lost their jobs and businesses in the name of public safety, and the countless others who have had their lives ruined by this virus. Less talked about, however, are the little disruptions to everyday life. These stressors are destroying normalcy for the hundreds of millions of perfectly healthy Americans. It’s been over a year already, and I think it is about time we go back to the way things were: not requiring masks and only pretending to wash our hands when we go to the bathroom.

Do you remember how good things used to be? Before you’d go outside, you wouldn’t have to worry “am I forgetting my mask?”,  or “will everyone be following the proper hygiene guidelines at the store?” or “do I need to use soap and water after using the bathroom, or can I just wait twenty seconds after I flush so everything thinks I’m actually washing my hands?”. It used to be fine to just turn turn on the faucet in the bathroom so it sounds like you are washing your hands, then go prepare your family’s dinner and then stroll outside without your mask on. I mean, I’m not even sick, so what really changed? Will things ever go back to normal? 

It’s not even washing the hands that’s a big deal. Honestly, it probably takes about as long to wash them as to pretend to wash them (it has to for it to be a realistic pretend). It’s the mental burden that is wearing on me. After using the bathroom, I would never think “better actually wash these hands this time”. I would think my normal thoughts, like “better remember everyone’s name at this meeting so I don’t look like an asshole when I shake their hands”, or “this fruit salad I’m about to prepare is going to rock everyone’s world at the potluck”. Now, it’s all cleanliness all the time. I swear my brain is breaking down working overtime juggling my normal day-to-day thoughts and this new basic human hygiene thing that everyone suddenly cares about.

And what about scratching the inside of your mouth? Like let’s say you are on the subway and you have a canker sore that is bothering you? It used to be perfectly acceptable to just scratch the thing. That’s why God made fingers smaller than mouths, am I right? We could scratch our canker sores on the subway and then resume holding the poles so we don’t fall down. Now, I have no idea if this is still cool or not. I mean, it doesn’t specifically say not to in the CDC guidelines, but it certainly is in some sort of gray area. My commute home used to be my downtime, when I could shut my brain off and blend into the crowd. Now, I’m doing the mental calculus on whether I’ll wind up in some viral video being called out for doing something that I’m pretty sure used to be just fine.

What gets me the most is the loss of innocence in our children. Kids used to get to be kids, and not have to worry about the problems of the adult world. Now, kids as young as 4 need to wear masks, and that means they need to know about deadly viruses. It’s not just the masks. My two sons were out in the yard and one of them dared the other one to eat some old gum off of the sidewalk. Kids being kids. Well, I had to tell them that it wasn’t ok, because now, since it’s 2021, they might get sick. Talk about innocence lost! Last year, totally fine, but I guess everything is different now. If the first thing a 15 year old is thinking about when he’s playing with his older brother is germs, I’m pretty sure the next generation is going to be doomed to fear and germophobia (look it up, it’s a real condition!).  

I could stay here all day and list the millions of terrible ways this pandemic has affected me, the healthy American everyman, but I’ve been sneezing and coughing all morning, so I need to go find a box of tissues. I guess those are suddenly super important now. As far as I know nobody gave a shit about them or used them before…

It’s hard to know what you can trust anymore. There’s the news, but now there’s also the fake news. The same thing can happen and, depending on which TV channel or homeless person you get your news from, you’ll get a different version. When I was a boy, there was only one channel; its name was We’re the Only Channel. We got our news from it and it was the real news. That’s how they’d sign off every night: “This was the real news, ladies and jellybeans”. They were simpler times, before the modern “funny” joke was invented.

Back then, you could trust the government. Lyndon Johnson, or President Lyndon Johnson, as he was widely known, sent me off to fight in the Vietnam War at the ripe age of nine. We lost some good children, but they lost some bad communists, so that’s ok. At least that’s what Mr. Johnson told me right before he took my wallet so he could pay to bring the boys back home. Only a true patriot would do something so rotten to help his country. 

The modern government isn’t so trustworthy. I heard they impeached the same president twice! I don’t know why they made him president again after they impeached him the first time, but then again “there are a lot of things I don’t know.” That’s what the tax man said when he took my wife from me.  That’s when Reaganomics came along, when the tax man started taking everyone’s wives.

Things were so much simpler when I was a kid. We used to play in the street until the streetlights came on. I can still hear the neighbors in their cars, honking and yelling “get out of the street, we can’t drive with you in the street!” Now, you hardly ever see any kids filling the streets with joy and danger and angry honks. I guess those neighbors finally won.

In school, we used to learn one version of history. You knew it was the real history with no malarkey because the textbook was called “Real History with No Malarkey.” Now, there’s all kinds of different versions of history. How are the kids supposed to know what happened and what didn’t happen? Did we evolve from monkeys, or were we designed by them? Was Christopher Columbus a hero, a villain, or a shared illusion? All I know is that I asked my grandson what he was doing on Columbus Day and he told me there was no Columbus Day and it was Indigenous People’s Day now, so I told him that there was no Santa Claus. I thought if I was old enough to know that there was no such thing as Columbus Day, then he was old enough to know that there’s no such thing as Santa. Well, we both were crying, so I guess neither of us was old enough.

That poor kid, he’s all mixed up because the world is so topsy-turvy. Sometimes he’ll say cruel hurtful things, like “that’s racist, Grandpa”, or “that’s sexist Grandpa”, but he doesn’t realize that I grew up in a time where there weren’t any minorities or women in America. It was an “old boys’ club”, as they say. Someday, he’ll be an old man, leering at women and complaining about immigrants at the Cracker Barrel, and he’ll wish he could apologize to his old Gramps. He won’t be able to, though, because by then I’ll be so rich that I’ll never speak to him or anyone else ever again. You see, if there’s one thing that’s been constant in this ever-changing country, it’s that the rich don’t have to do anything they don’t want to. I suppose that’s what makes America so great.