I know I’m not alone in saying that things are changing way too fast, and always for the worse. When I was a kid, they told me that if you went to college and got any old degree, you’d have a leg up on everyone. By the time I made it out, they were saying that “grad school is the new college”. Then I finished grad school and got a job with all kinds of cool coworkers in a swanky office, but I’ve been stuck working at home with my cat as my only companionship for a full year now. They said: sorry, “quarantine is the new normal”. So, I quarantined and always went out of the apartment with my mask on. That isn’t even enough, though! Now they are saying “two masks is the new one mask.” It seems like every “new” definition seems to be worse than the old one. Why does it always need be a downgrade? Something has to be done! That’s why I’m making the following suggestions for new definitions for 2021:
- Not quarantine is the new quarantine: This is the first and most important suggestion. The cat smell is just getting to be too much.
- Cheeseburgers are the new hamburger: Come on! I don’t need to pay $1.00 extra for cheese, now it just comes that way like a regular burger topping.
- One hat is the new two masks: Going for a jog is the only excuse I have to get out of the house and away from the cat smell. The hat would allow me to breathe better than two masks. I don’t see how two hats would do any better at blocking Covid than one would, so we can cut back on the number, as well.
- Windows that open are the new windows that don’t open: I’m not sure if they are painted shut or designed that way, but I’m sure as hell not letting my super into my apartment to find out. I can see him on the street, through my non-opening window, just chatting it up with everyone, not wearing a mask or keeping social distance. I don’t know if he hasn’t heard of Covid or is one of those “anti-maskers” or what, but I just really want to open my window to air out the room.
- Laugh tracks are the new thunder: Deafening canned laughter whenever lighting strikes, now that would be funny!
- Cat food that doesn’t smell bad is the new cat food: I read an article that said it could be feeding him wet food that is causing the smell, but he won’t eat the dry food.
- Tears are the new hand sanitizer: I can never remember to bring my hand sanitizer with me! I have also been crying a lot, like a whole lot. It would be nice if I could just wipe those tears on my hands and call it good.
- Inner peace is the new quarantine-induced depression: I thought all this solitude would make me like a monk, but it’s just been really rough. Monk me, please!
- 40 is the new 30: I am not really getting to enjoy my 20’s, due to Covid, so I think they should get a do-over. It’s also catchy.
- Releasing your cat into the wild where it and its awful smell belong is the new being a hero: Now that I think about it, this is actually my most important suggestion.
A Man Eating Chicken 