Hello people of Mississippi. It’s me, your governor, Tate Reeves. I called this press conference to discuss a very important matter, the role of government. Now, it has come to my attention that many of you think that the roles of government include establishing and enforcing the rules of law. Some of you may call this “telling people what they can and cannot do.” Well, I’ve been doing some soul-searching. This whole Covid thing has given me lots of time to sit down with my thoughts and consider what I really want to do. Was it my dream to tell people what to do? You may think that, since I ran for governor, that yes it was my dream. Well, dreams aren’t always all they are cracked up to be. Plans change. It’s like when you buy six Big Macs on a dare. One of those dares where if you eat them all in an hour your buddies will pay for them, but by the time you get half-way through the second one you are disgusted. Well that’s me right now, disgusted by my initial meaty aspirations. That is why as of today, the government of Mississippi is no longer in the business of telling people what they can and cannot do.
You may be asking, what business are you going into then? Well, like I said, I’ve been doing some soul-searching and I’ve got my idea: taffy making. From this day forward, the government of the great state of Mississippi is a taffy making operation! Think about it: who doesn’t love taffy? Delicious sweet, salty and chewy taffy. Don’t you just think of summer at the beach?
Most importantly, taffy will never, ever tell you the basic public health guidelines to help slow a major pandemic. You wanna talk freedom? Look at all the flavors to choose from! There is nothing that says America like bin after bin of delicious sugary confections. There may be some skeptics out there who think the government of Mississippi doesn’t know the first thing about taffy making. Well, I saw a Youtube about it, and you just dump a bunch of chemicals in a big old pot and out comes the taffy. Easy as pie (which, by the way, is much harder to make than taffy.)
I’ll take some questions now.
Reporter: What about general law and order?
That’s a good question. Like I said, we are no longer in the business of telling people what they can and cannot do.
Reporter: Well, is murder ok now?
Look, you really shouldn’t be turning to us, a taffy making outfit, for guidance on whether or not it is ok to murder another human being. Maybe you should be asking us questions more appropriate for a taffy making company.
Reporter: Ok, can I have some taffy?
Sure, what flavor do you want?
Reporter: Cotton candy.
You cannot have that, we don’t offer that flavor yet. You can have watermelon though.
Reporter: Ok, I’ll take half a pound of watermelon.
Great, that will be one hundred dollars.
Reporter: That is insane, I don’t have one hundred dollars on me for taffy.
Then you sir, have the freedom to leave this fine taffy store and not come back. Are there any other questions?
Reporter: Is it true that you use aspartame, a known carcinogen, in your taffy?
Good sir, we aren’t in the business of telling people which sweeteners people can and cannot eat, and which cancers people can and cannot have. Any more questions?
Reporter: Can you address the allegations you worked a kickback scheme with your salt supplier?
The government of Mississippi, which is now a taffy making company, is also getting out of the business of answering questions. Good night.
A Man Eating Chicken 