A Man Eating Chicken

I fully understand the history of slavery and black people in the United States. I can see the blight of police brutality and racial oppression that goes on to this day in America. I have no doubt that your current justice system is just a continuation of slavery, under the guise of law and order. While I understand that it is important for you to get these points across and seek the justice you deserve, the real victim here is me: Zomgor, the Eater of Souls. 

I admit I am a real-life monster, but I, unlike the police and white America, am not racist and have no part in this whole ongoing racial conflict. I don’t see things in black and white; I don’t care about the skin color of the people whose souls I eat. Hate may see in color, but love is colorblind. I say that because the souls I love to eat are colorless, and they are all-important sustenance to my continued eternal existence in the ether.

Yes, I too would be upset if my ancestors were taken to a country against their will, enslaved, and then proclaimed free only to be systematically abused, held down, incarcerated and murdered by the police. But do you really need to block traffic?  It’s so inconsiderate. I need that flow of traffic for car accidents, which feed me the souls I need to survive. Why can’t you protest next to the road? Or even better, you could just ratchet things up! That would really help feed me. Los Angeles in 1992 was good times for me. If not that, maybe you could try a super extra-long hunger strike? Or you can do like that monk did? The one who burned himself alive? Those would provide for me pretty well. It doesn’t have to be those exact ones, but you really should consider Zomgor, the Eater of Souls, when you are planning these things, otherwise you aren’t any better than those who you are fighting against.

Remember, I am not a slave owner, nor were my ancestors. I’ve never said a single racist thing in my two-million-year life. I have to admit, that’s partly because I am unable to speak at all and only am embodied in people’s screams as they pass into my realm. Sure, I probably have some privilege from being an eternal shapeless being born out of a supernova, but is that my fault? What do you want me to do here? I can’t change the color of my skin! That’s because I have no skin. I understand you want justice, but it is coming at the expense of me: an innocent bystander, who just happens to be the eternal consumer of pure human being. The pendulum has swung too far the other way. I think the term for this kind of thing is reverse Zomgor-ism.

I know what you’re thinking: just wait Zomgor. The protests will run their course and things will go back to normal. They may even spread Covid-19 a little bit on the way. Well, I’m not going anywhere near those souls; we just don’t know enough about the long-term effects, yet. And what if the protests actually work?! If you end police murdering black people, that will cut off a decent supply of innocent young souls, which are the most important souls for my continued existence throughout eternity. Look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself: who is the real monster here? Yes, it’s technically me, Zomgor, but are we really that different? Sure, you say Black Lives Matter, but does not Zomgor’s Life Matter?

People are always telling you to be a good citizen. They always say that you should pay your taxes and vote and check the expiration date of your milk when you buy it. But what they don’t tell you about is howler monkeys. Did you know that howler monkeys are the largest New World monkeys? No, of course not. I bet you know the things they want you to know, like who was the first president and the way to the closest hospital. None of that will help you when a golden-mantled howler is at your door, asking you what the loudest land animal is. Then, when you say “I don’t know”, it howls “I AM!” in monkey screams. You see, if there’s anything howler monkeys like more than howling it’s poetic justice. And bananas. That, my friends, is why I’m homeschooling my children at the zoo.

So what’s up with Covid? First it’s not a big deal, then it’s really big deal, and now it’s pretty much gone? Or is it?! Nobody knows! Well, we found someone who does know. Supposedly. That’s right, we’re back with a third installment of Super Stumpers, with the person who, depending on who you voted for, you either love to hate or hate to love: Dr. Anthony Fauci! We’ve presented him with your best stumpers to see if you can stump the president’s chief medical advisor.

Q: I heard that you first dismissed the theory that the virus leaked from a lab in China, but now are taking it seriously. What gives?

A: This was a simple misunderstanding. When I first heard the theory, I thought that by lab that meant a Labrador Retriever. Of course the virus didn’t leak from a dog! Then, a year later, I realized they meant a laboratory, which makes a lot more sense.

Q: I heard that vaccine demand has gone down significantly, despite only about 40% of the population being vaccinated. Do you have any plan to convince the remaining population to get vaccinated?

A: Funny you should ask, we do! Based off of Donald Trump’s latest comments, we are going to be planning an August insurrection event, where we will be offering free “steroid” injections to provide strength to fight capitol police. The injection will really just be the single dose Johnson and Johnson vaccine (we’ve got a lot of those lying around, LOL!)

Q: Costco is now not requiring masks for vaccinated individuals, but not asking anyone for proof. When I shop there, what should I do to protect myself around those not wearing masks, considering the fact that they might not be vaccinated?

A: If the last year has taught us anything, it’s that you can’t trust your fellow citizens at all in any capacity. If you see someone without a mask, the proper move is to give them a funny look and move away from them in an over-the-top manner. If you came to the store with someone else, feel free to whisper something to them in hushed tones while pointing at the unmasked person.

Q: I was dropping my son off at school the other day and one of his classmates was singing “Whistle while you work, Fauci is a jerk, take his Covid vaccine and your weenie will not work”. Can you comment on this?

A: I have gone over all clinical trial data and not one participant from the non-placebo group reported new instances of their “weenie not working”. I think this child might have learned this song from one of these misinformation websites, like Breibart Jr. of Fox News Kids.

Q: I haven’t been out of my house in over a year and am trying to get back to normal. I am finding socializing extremely awkward, but my wife keeps telling me that I was awkward before the pandemic and that I can’t blame this on quarantine. I think she’s just cranky because she’s been stuck inside with me for a year. Who is right, me or her?

A: Are you Michael Ellis from Patterson, NJ?

Q: Yes, that’s me.

A: She’s right.

Q: You keep telling me all these important sounding reasons to get vaccinated, but my neighbor keeps telling me reasons not to. I’m confused and don’t know who to believe. What should I do?

A:  Is your neighbor an infectious disease expert?

Q: No, he just drives a ditch witch for a living.

A: Do you generally trust your neighbor?

Q: Not since he stole my hedge trimmer last year and just said he bought exactly the same one.

A: Does it matter what I say, since you didn’t trust my guidance in the first place?

Q: Probably not, no.

A: In that case, go with your gut. It’s what got us into this mess, so why stop now.

Sorry, we’ve run out of time for Super Stumpers today. Again, nobody was able to stump Fauci except for Covid-19, which is again unfortunately the winner and undefeated champion. But is there hope? Or is it just false hope until a new variant knocks our asses back to the canvas? Find out on the next edition of Super Stumpers!