So what’s up with Covid? First it’s not a big deal, then it’s really big deal, and now it’s pretty much gone? Or is it?! Nobody knows! Well, we found someone who does know. Supposedly. That’s right, we’re back with a third installment of Super Stumpers, with the person who, depending on who you voted for, you either love to hate or hate to love: Dr. Anthony Fauci! We’ve presented him with your best stumpers to see if you can stump the president’s chief medical advisor.
Q: I heard that you first dismissed the theory that the virus leaked from a lab in China, but now are taking it seriously. What gives?
A: This was a simple misunderstanding. When I first heard the theory, I thought that by lab that meant a Labrador Retriever. Of course the virus didn’t leak from a dog! Then, a year later, I realized they meant a laboratory, which makes a lot more sense.
Q: I heard that vaccine demand has gone down significantly, despite only about 40% of the population being vaccinated. Do you have any plan to convince the remaining population to get vaccinated?
A: Funny you should ask, we do! Based off of Donald Trump’s latest comments, we are going to be planning an August insurrection event, where we will be offering free “steroid” injections to provide strength to fight capitol police. The injection will really just be the single dose Johnson and Johnson vaccine (we’ve got a lot of those lying around, LOL!)
Q: Costco is now not requiring masks for vaccinated individuals, but not asking anyone for proof. When I shop there, what should I do to protect myself around those not wearing masks, considering the fact that they might not be vaccinated?
A: If the last year has taught us anything, it’s that you can’t trust your fellow citizens at all in any capacity. If you see someone without a mask, the proper move is to give them a funny look and move away from them in an over-the-top manner. If you came to the store with someone else, feel free to whisper something to them in hushed tones while pointing at the unmasked person.
Q: I was dropping my son off at school the other day and one of his classmates was singing “Whistle while you work, Fauci is a jerk, take his Covid vaccine and your weenie will not work”. Can you comment on this?
A: I have gone over all clinical trial data and not one participant from the non-placebo group reported new instances of their “weenie not working”. I think this child might have learned this song from one of these misinformation websites, like Breibart Jr. of Fox News Kids.
Q: I haven’t been out of my house in over a year and am trying to get back to normal. I am finding socializing extremely awkward, but my wife keeps telling me that I was awkward before the pandemic and that I can’t blame this on quarantine. I think she’s just cranky because she’s been stuck inside with me for a year. Who is right, me or her?
A: Are you Michael Ellis from Patterson, NJ?
Q: Yes, that’s me.
A: She’s right.
Q: You keep telling me all these important sounding reasons to get vaccinated, but my neighbor keeps telling me reasons not to. I’m confused and don’t know who to believe. What should I do?
A: Is your neighbor an infectious disease expert?
Q: No, he just drives a ditch witch for a living.
A: Do you generally trust your neighbor?
Q: Not since he stole my hedge trimmer last year and just said he bought exactly the same one.
A: Does it matter what I say, since you didn’t trust my guidance in the first place?
Q: Probably not, no.
A: In that case, go with your gut. It’s what got us into this mess, so why stop now.
Sorry, we’ve run out of time for Super Stumpers today. Again, nobody was able to stump Fauci except for Covid-19, which is again unfortunately the winner and undefeated champion. But is there hope? Or is it just false hope until a new variant knocks our asses back to the canvas? Find out on the next edition of Super Stumpers!