10- Invented the resume
9- References are all unavailable because they were all on that one big boat that sank and they made a movie about
8- Already have the position that you are applying for
7- Was given the key to McDonaldland for finally catching the Hamburglar
6- Can write SQL code
5- Have a high school equivalency, so long as that high school has an AP Shirking class
4- Can replace all functions formerly served by photocopier, accounting department, telephones and escalator
3- Do not meet the minimum job requirements due to a time travel paradox which is too complicated to explain here in the past
2- Will steal virtually nothing from your company
1- Won the 2015 AKC National Dog show, and not as an owner
A Man Eating Chicken 