Top 10 July 4th Traditions

10- Hot dog eating contest followed by heart attack having contest

9- Reenacting the Boston Tea Party by writing tea on a bottle of whiskey, Boston Harbor on face

8- Movie marathon consisting of 1776, Stars and Stripes Forever, and 8 hours of porn

7- Badmouthing the Queen (that bitch…)

6- Dropping enough acid to see George Washington

5- Doing the most American thing possible: buying a bunch of shit your don’t need from China

4- Putting on a “fireworks” show for your neighborhood, consisting of you revealing everyone’s closest kept secrets and then watching the ensuing fireworks

3- Punching a Redcoat

2- Blowing off one of remaining appendages

1- Declaring your independence by seceding from family

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