Category Archives: Short Pieces

Help! Bird ambush! Four birds are worth an ungodly sum of money The early bird gets the bush (not sexual) Birds should be left in the bushes where they belong  A bird in the hand tickles the palm George Bush doesn’t care about blackbirds The early bird gets the bush (sexual) How many birds doContinue reading “Workshopping “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush””

The game of Life has become less popular recently, as its portrayal of life isn’t really accurate anymore. Hasbro has responded to this by making a new version of the game called “Modern Life”. The new version of the game has the following updates that better reflect the state of life today: In Life, studentContinue reading “Modern Life: a Dystopian Board Game”

You asked for it, so we made it: Can of Bees! That’s right, it’s bees in a can!  All the fun of bees, in a shelf-stable, recyclable, easy to open, good ol’ American can! We’ve been receiving a ton of questions about Can of Bees since we released it on the market, so we putContinue reading “Can of Bees!”

Hello Mr. or Mrs. Hitler. As a Hitler, I’m sure you have experienced shame and social stigma around your last name. Many Hitlers have become recluses, avoiding all social contact. Well, suffer no more! With our handy dandy users guide to your last name, you will be proud of your name (not too proud, though).Continue reading “So Your Last Name is Hitler: Tips and Strategies for Navigating Introductions and Other Awkward Situations”

Hey guys, it’s me, the Snoopy balloon from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. You know, the national treasure? The guy who’s been the symbol of national unity on one of our most special holidays for the past 56 years? I hope you remember me, after all, it’s been a couple of months since Thanksgiving. UsuallyContinue reading ““Oh, So Now You Guys Care About Balloons?” An Op-Ed by the Snoopy Balloon”

Friend 1: Hey, let’s play Taboo Friend 2: Ok Friend 1: Do you know how to play? Friend 2: Yeah, I know how Taboo works Friend 1: Ok, you can be the first guesser then, I’ll do the clues Friend 2: Ok, and go! Friend 1: It’s a type of party Friend 2: Fucking aContinue reading “Game Night”

Please enter your password TacomaDad1984 Please include a special character Tacoma’sBestDad1984 Please make your password more accurate MiddleO’theRoadDad1984 You are not the real father, please make it more accurate again SadSurprise2022 You forgot the punctaction, dummy SadSurprise2022:-( You realize that in a week you are going to need to remember that you made this lastContinue reading “The Computer is Acting Funny”

Retraction We would like to retract the statement on November 12th, 2022, that the Tacoma City Treasurer misappropriated public funds. Retraction We would like to retract the retraction printed directly above this. Upon further consideration, it wasn’t that big a deal. Who cares, right? Maybe they did do some funny business Retraction Just yesterday, our competingContinue reading “A Series of Retractions by the Tacoma Post”

Hello, I am Terry “Pizza Face” Jones, and I have been nominated to be the spokesman for the meek. You know: the docile, the submissive, the wedgied masses. For thousands of years we have been told that we will someday inherit the Earth. We were recently alerted that the day has finally come and weContinue reading “We Are the Meek and, No Thanks, We Don’t Want to Inherit the Earth”

Inevitably, after every mass shooting in America there’s the same public outcry: it’s time to ban guns. To those who say that, I respond: the gun didn’t shoot itself. There are many out there who agree with this sentiment, and many of them say that it’s an issue of training responsible gun owners and dealingContinue reading “Guns Don’t Kill People, the Boundary Conditions of the Universe Kill People”