“Oh, So Now You Guys Care About Balloons?” An Op-Ed by the Snoopy Balloon

Hey guys, it’s me, the Snoopy balloon from the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. You know, the national treasure? The guy who’s been the symbol of national unity on one of our most special holidays for the past 56 years? I hope you remember me, after all, it’s been a couple of months since Thanksgiving. Usually that’s the only time anyone pays attention to us balloons. Imagine my surprise when I float by the TV the other day and see the number one news story is a balloon!

When I saw that a balloon was on the news, I was thrilled! I couldn’t wait to see which of my buddies had made it to the bigtime. Boy was I disappointed when I saw what it was all about. A shapeless white mass? What the fuck is that?! Do you know how much work it takes to make a true to life 63 foot tall Kermit the Frog balloon? It is a wonder of modern balloon engineering.

Oh, what’s that? The giant shitty plain white balloon is a big deal because it’s from China? Guess what? I’m from China, too! Everything is from China! The shitty little balloons you blow up for your kids birthday are from China. I guess we aren’t “sexy” enough, though. I’m just good old Snoopy, the representative of our cultural values, the glue that holds our nation together. One of our longest standing traditions.

You know what else floats over us that comes from China? Satellites. Giant satellites that we launch up on rockets that float through space. Now those are Chinese and admittedly way more impressive than I am. But do you care about those? No! Maybe I’m jealous, but I don’t see what’s so special about this other balloon. What does it have that I don’t?

I guess I don’t bring the international intrigue of that big white lump of shit. What’s even in it? Oh yeah, we don’t know. Maybe that’s the appeal, that it’s a big mystery. Let me squash this one now: there’s nothing cool in there. It isn’t a piñata. My money is on a jumble of wires and sensors. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t really seem that great to me.

You know what’s inside of me? The soul of a nation. And disappointment. And yes, I admit it, jealousy. But I’ve given my heart and soul to a nation and… wait, what’s that? They just fucking shot it?! I guess you gotta be careful what you wish for…. Anyway, my condolences to the balloon and its family. See you all on Thanksgiving.

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