Hello, I am Terry “Pizza Face” Jones, and I have been nominated to be the spokesman for the meek. You know: the docile, the submissive, the wedgied masses. For thousands of years we have been told that we will someday inherit the Earth. We were recently alerted that the day has finally come and we will officially being given ownership of the Earth. I am here to tell you: no thanks.
Good one guys! Promise to give us the Earth and then fuck it up before you hand it over, sweet prank! I mean we’ve been here before. We’ve been picked on all of our lives, we know every trick in the book. Like when Francis “Four Eyes” Jefferson was invited to a cool kids party and given a beer to drink, but it was just a beer bottle full of urine. That’s what this gift of the Earth seems like, a bottle of piss. You really think we’re going to fall for the old Free Earth gag? “Just take it guys! We were only mean to you because we were intimidated by you.” Meanwhile your friends are hiding in the bushes giggling.
Sure the Earth would have been a great thing to inherit five thousand years ago, but it sucks now. First off, you killed off all of the cool animals. Mastodon: dead. Black Rhino: dead. John Candy: dead. Secondly, it’s totally broken. I think that’s the only reason you are giving it to us. Maybe so we can fix it? People are giving me broken laptops all the time assuming that I can fix them. They don’t even ask, they just hand them to me like I’m some sort of IT guy. People assume because I’m quiet and I wear glasses I’m good with technology, but I’m not that smart and can barely use a computer. You think the other meeks and I can fix a broken Earth? I’m pretty sure the solution involves not driving cars, eating less meat, changing supply chains and have fewer kids. You think a bunch of shy pussies like me are going to convince everyone of that? If we were that convincing, I would’ve convince you to stop giving me wedgies in kindergarten. And High School. And last Thursday.
The Earth is overheating, its financial systems are busted and the whole thing has Covid. I think this is a gag gift. Or maybe like a shitty hand-me-down. Either way, we’ve gotten enough of both of those to know what they look like.
Another thing: do you know the inheritance tax on the Earth? They are about to lower the estate tax exemption. Us meeks don’t really have 40% of the value of the whole goddamn planet lying around to pay for this. We aren’t the richest ones in the room usually. I have never, ever asked for a raise. I don’t even have the courage to ask for my change when the cashier forgets to give it to me. I don’t have that kind of dough lying around. The more I think about it, this whole thing seems like it might be financially motivated. You guys take all the oil, all the minerals, all of the cool animals, heat the thing up, fill it with Covid, and then pass it off to us and get a giant tax write-off.
Us meeks are natural skeptics. We’ve been through some shit. Do you know what we’re usually doing instead of talking? Thinking. Thinking about the way you non-meeks are always fucking us. We can see this one coming from a mile away. So no, we don’t want your stupid broken Earth. You can keep it.
A Man Eating Chicken 