Top 10 Lies to Put on Your Resume

10- Invented the resume 9- References are all unavailable because they were all on that one big boat that sank and they made a movie about 8- Already have the position that you are applying for 7- Was given the key to McDonaldland for finally catching the Hamburglar 6- Can write SQL code 5- Have aContinue reading “Top 10 Lies to Put on Your Resume”

Top 10 July 4th Traditions

10- Hot dog eating contest followed by heart attack having contest 9- Reenacting the Boston Tea Party by writing tea on a bottle of whiskey, Boston Harbor on face 8- Movie marathon consisting of 1776, Stars and Stripes Forever, and 8 hours of porn 7- Badmouthing the Queen (that bitch…) 6- Dropping enough acid toContinue reading “Top 10 July 4th Traditions”

Top 10 Alarming Facts About Channel 4 Weatherman Matt Brickman

10- Knows what the actual weather is going to be every single day, but refuses to tell the viewers 9- Has the ability to spray foul odors, not unlike a skunk 8- Won his job after selling his soul to the devil to win a pie eating contest against Al Roker (pre-gastric bypass) 7- CoveredContinue reading “Top 10 Alarming Facts About Channel 4 Weatherman Matt Brickman”

Top 10 Reasons You Can’t Teach an Old Dog New Tricks

10- Puppy generation gap 9- Old dog unions have strong trick labor agreements 8- Puppy schools evaluated on standardized test scores, not new tricks 7- Most new tricks involve computers, which old dogs can’t learn to use, not because they are too old but because they are dogs 6- The “Lassie Effect” 5- Tricks?! We’reContinue reading “Top 10 Reasons You Can’t Teach an Old Dog New Tricks”

The Nuclear Apocalypse: Pros and Cons

Now children, the recent nuclear apocalypse has been life changing. Sure there’s been some downsides to it, but it hasn’t been all terrible. To put it all into perspective I’ve put together a pros and cons list. Pro: Being trapped in the fallout shelter has brought this family closer together Con: We can never leaveContinue reading “The Nuclear Apocalypse: Pros and Cons”

Top 10 Alarming Facts About William Howard Taft

10- Twice tried to declare war on “the skinnies” 9- The original red button in the oval office was actually Taft’s “hamburger on demand” button 8- Dream job was actually “turkey chasing” 7- Was built from parts of Benjamin Harrison, William McKinley and a manatee  6- Stored emergency reserves of taffy in his cheeks 5-Continue reading “Top 10 Alarming Facts About William Howard Taft”

Top 10 Worst Accidents in Baseball History

10- Tony Gwynn pulls every muscle in his body trying to get a Cheeto from under his couch 9- The Philly Phanatic has sex with the devil, giving birth to Flyers mascot Gritty 8- First baseman Larry Met gets hit in the head with line drive, nuclear radiation, simultaneously 7- In a case of mistakenContinue reading “Top 10 Worst Accidents in Baseball History”