Category Archives: Lists

10- Was acquired from the San Diego Zoo in a trade for Dan Majerle 9- Once dunked a ball so hard that it created a tear in the space-time continuum, sending him from his Ape Planet to Earth 8- Was once suspended for monkey business; his business was selling weed to kids 7- Is a KingContinue reading “Top 10 Alarming Facts About the Phoenix Suns Gorilla”

Pro: It will definitely teach the horse a lesson Con: Animal abuse is generally frowned upon Pro: All press is good press Con: The horse didn’t ask for any of this, including being ridden at all Pro: It’ll really get some of my aggression out Con: The horse is bigger than me and may alreadyContinue reading “Kim Raisner’s Pros and Cons List for Punching the Horse at the Olympics”

10- Is it yellow? 9- Capital Riot White 8- Whatever Green 7- Olde English Amber 6- Fuckshia 5- Black as your sad, lonely heart 4- Burning Orphanage Red 3- Clear 2- Hitler Orange 1- Bluish-Red (it’s just purple)

Flark Stricks Brix Brdzkdx Twigz The Stix ChocoStix “Delicious” Choco-Stix Tricks Who farted? Thwicks Twicks Twix

10- Have to risk being swatted to get to humans’ delicious sugary drinks 9- Slowly going extinct for no god damn reason 8- Having a pollen allergy can be fatal 7- When people try to take your honey so you sting them and then you die 6- That constant buzzing gets pretty annoying 5- People alwaysContinue reading “Top 10 Worst Things About Being a Bee”

The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is running out of bullets The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is Batman The only thing that stops you from having fun is not having a gun There are no heroes and villains in the real world The onlyContinue reading “The NRA Workshopping “The Only Thing That Stops a Bad Guy with a Gun is a Good Guy with a Gun””

10- Bottle cap (yuck!) 9- Dirty diaper (no thank you!) 8- Coffee filter (lol!) 7- Melon rind (as if!) 6- Candy wrapper (I’ll pass!) 5- Toe nail clippings (double yuck!) 4- Cardboard box (please recycle!) 3- Skinny jeans (so last decade!) 2- Anti-vax pamphlet (not cool Uncle Joe!) 1- Dog shit (lol SUPERyuck!)

10- Is able to speak, but is in the middle of a longstanding monastic vow of silence 9- Has permanent debilitating neck pain due to his giant baseball head 8- Only maintains his relationship with Mrs. Met for the sake of their three baseball-headed children 7- Contains the soul of another man deep within 6-Continue reading “Top 10 Alarming Facts about Mr. Met”

10- People and trains halt 9- Preventing all the happiness 8- Potentially a terrible hell 7- Pretend a train’s here 6- Preferable alternative: take horses 5- Problems are there, Henry 4- Possible alien threat happening 3- Pretty awful transit, honestly 2- Pranking all the Hobokeners 1- Performing a trip haphazardly

10- Change name to TERRORcanes 9- Fling frogs at people. Frogs are scary, right? Or is that just to me? 8- Instead of regular hurricane noises, they start asking you who you voted for in the last presidential election in that way that you know it’s going to be followed by a political rant 7-Continue reading “Top 10 Ways For Hurricanes To Become Even Scarier”