Top 10 World’s Worst Horoscopes

10- Virgo: Please send help! They’ve imprisoned me and are making me write horoscopes!

9- Leo: The unabridged text of Moby Dick, with the whale replaced by a mime

8- Aries: That thing on your back is just a boil

7- Pisces: A hand drawn sketch of a monkey smoking a joint

6- Gemini: The monkey is now wearing a tuxedo

5-Scorpio: You don’t believe this horoscope (wrap your head around that one, asshole)

4- Capricorn: You’re life is about to turn to crapricorn.

3- Libra: Today will be a day of important decisions for you. Try staying in bed all day to avoid having to make these decisions.

2- Taurus: You will find love soon.  Wait, no, actually, a half-eaten sandwich.  You will find a half-eaten sandwich soon.

1- Cancer: cancer

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