10- Virgo: Please send help! They’ve imprisoned me and are making me write horoscopes!
9- Leo: The unabridged text of Moby Dick, with the whale replaced by a mime
8- Aries: That thing on your back is just a boil
7- Pisces: A hand drawn sketch of a monkey smoking a joint
6- Gemini: The monkey is now wearing a tuxedo
5-Scorpio: You don’t believe this horoscope (wrap your head around that one, asshole)
4- Capricorn: You’re life is about to turn to crapricorn.
3- Libra: Today will be a day of important decisions for you. Try staying in bed all day to avoid having to make these decisions.
2- Taurus: You will find love soon. Wait, no, actually, a half-eaten sandwich. You will find a half-eaten sandwich soon.
1- Cancer: cancer