A Man Eating Chicken

Hi, I’m Tony Russo, and I’ve been a New York City Police Officer for the last 15 years. Being a police officer, I’ve heard just about every stereotype you could imagine about cops and most of them aren’t true. We don’t sit around eating donuts all day, that’s for sure! One stereotype that is true, however, is that we do the whole good cop/bad cop routine. I haven’t done this my whole career, but my partner, Sal, and I started doing this a couple of years back and I tell you what: it really works.

So like I said, the whole thing started a couple of years ago. We were interrogating this guy who was suspected of doing some pretty horrific stuff, the kind of thing I don’t want to put into print. Anyway, I’m giving him the third degree, telling him he’s never gonna see the light of day again, that we’ve already got evidence that’s gonna get him on death row. Meanwhile, Sal’s acting like he’s this guy’s lawyer, saying he’s gonna help get him off with a slap on the wrist, maybe community service. The perp’s just gotta throw us a bone, tell us a little something so that we can get the facts straight and get clearance to release him. Anyway, to cut to the chase, the guy told us everything we needed to know and it was an open and shut case.

This was a big case and it was the first time we tried the whole good cop/bad cop thing, so we decided to go celebrate after work. We went out to McSwiggan’s to have a couple of beers. Sal cut out after that, but I was really feeling it, so a couple turned into a dozen and after work turned into 4AM. Needless to say, I was late to work the next day and while Sal got praised for closing the case the day before, I got chewed out for being late and also for throwing up at work.

This other time, we were at a routine traffic stop; guy just ran a red light. We ran the plates and it turned out the car was stolen. So I’m giving the guy a hard time, telling him that this is a school zone and we are gonna throw the book at him: impound his car, points on his license, the whole nine yards. Meanwhile, Sal is asking him questions about his car like he’s this big gearhead, what kind of engine does it have? What’s the 0-60 time? How long’s he had it? Well, the guy’s story isn’t adding up and he pretty much lets up that the car is hot. Bing bang boom, open and shut case! We cuff the guy and I pocketed all the cash in the wallet when I checked his ID, like I always do. It works, good cop/bad cop!

We’ve been running this routine so much, we are starting to get nicknames. People call Sal good cop and people call me bad cop. My boss even calls us that at our annual reviews! It’s great this thing has taken a life of its own, because it works so well.

Our highest profile case was last year, when we were chasing down the East Side Slasher. We were talking to a suspect on the street, doing our usual thing. Sal was asking him typical good cop questions, where were you on these nights, yadda yadda yadda. Meanwhile, I’m doing my bad cop thing, telling him I know that it was him, that he can’t even talk a lawyer if he wants to, that he’s as good as dead. So anyway, sometime while I’m talking, the guy gets spooked and starts running. We’re chasing him down and it’s just like a movie. We’re going between cars and down alleyways and finally we catch the guy. I grab him by the neck, I draw my gun and start reading him his last rites. I even put a round in his leg to show him I meant business. All the sudden, the guy confesses. Classic good cop/bad cop! 

Even at the trial, the judge recognized it, he called Sal the good cop and me the bad cop. And right when he said it I stood up and yelled out, “There’s a guy who gets it!” Come to think of it, I probably don’t even need to tell you this story, we got famous for our routine. They put me on the cover of the Post for being the “Bad Cop”. I bet Sal’s pissed, they didn’t even have his picture in the article. It just goes to show you, it’s a great routine, but it’s way better to be the bad cop than the good cop, because that’s who everybody remembers.

Everyone always says “that’s not my cup of tea” to describe something they don’t enjoy, but most people don’t know there’s an interesting story behind that phrase. Back in 1705, Queen Anne was hosting high tea. She put down her cup of tea and left the room to use the chamber pot. When she returned, she picked up what she thought was her cup of tea, took a sip and immediately spat it out, yelling “that’s not my cup of tea”. You see, Queen Anne drank her tea with milk, while this tea was black. She then found out whose cup of tea it was and had that person hanged for treason.

That’s not the only phrase with an interesting story behind it. Today people say “spill the beans” for letting a secret slip out. To stave off episodes of gout, Queen Anne was put on a strict diet of beans in 1698. One of her maidservants was bringing her a plate of fava beans for a mid-morning snack. The maidservant, rushing to bring the plate of beans to the Queen, tripped, spilling the beans everywhere. She collected them onto the plate and served them to the Queen without her knowing. Later, another maidservant let Queen Anne know of what had transpired. She had both maidservants hanged for treason.

To celebrate her pregnancy in 1694, a group of chicken farmers in England gave Queen Anne a basket of eggs as a symbol of her fertility. When the pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, she asked for the name of every farmer who “put all of their eggs in one basket”. Anne the Tyrant then had those farmers and their chickens hanged for treason. That is why today we say “don’t put all your eggs in one basket”, because of bloodthirsty Queen Anne.

With some vagaries in the recently published CDC guidance, many questions have arisen regarding health decisions of Americans who have received the Covid-19 vaccine. While many of these questions are fairly routine, we’ve assembled some of the toughest questions for a special “Super Stumpers” Q&A session with America’s favorite doctor: Dr. Anthony Fauci.

Q: I’ve been vaccinated but my spouse has not. Is it appropriate to divorce them for a more attractive, higher earning partner who has also been vaccinated?

A: Yes, divorce is definitely recommended, but only if the new partner has received the second dose of their vaccine at least 14 days ago.

Q: I’ve been told mixing shots can be less effective. I received the first Pfizer shot two weeks ago. If I take a Jack Daniel’s shot today will it give me the same immunity as the second Pfizer shot?

A: No, but you might want to try Wild Turkey.

Q: I climbed into a van that had “COVID VAXYNASHUNS” spray-painted on the outside. I blacked out, but I suspect I wasn’t given a Covid vaccination and was instead beaten unmercifully and robbed. I’m not sure, though. Is it ok for me to have small gatherings with friends?

A: You may have maskless gatherings with up to 10 people from 2 other households, so long as they also received their van beatings at least 14 days ago.

Q: If you are really a doctor, where is your little silver thing you wear around your neck and all your doctor’s clothes?

A: Doctors have not been required to wear their sanitary white coats and stethoscopes at all times since the 90’s.

Q: Your initial statements didn’t give any guidance on whether flying is ok now, can you elaborate?

A: We said that you should avoid traveling by airplane where possible.

Q: I know, but I’m not talking about airplanes, I’m talking about good old fashion flapping.

A: “Flapping” or “bird flying,” as it’s known as in the medical community, is safe so long as you maintain 6 feet social distance in all directions. Please remember that since you are in the sky this 6 feet includes birds above and below you.

Q: I heard that the Johnson & Johnson vaccine is only 66% effective, have they considered adding another Johnson, theoretically making it 99% effective?

A: The Johnson & Johnson & Johnson vaccine is currently undergoing clinical trials and is not approved for use yet.

Q: I’m afraid of needles, so I closed my eyes during both doses of my vaccine. Am I only immune when my eyes are closed?

A: Since you closed your eyes for both doses, that should cancel out and you should be ok. If you close your eyes for only one dose, however, you would only have “eyes-closed” immunity.

Q: I am a dog. Do I need a Covid vaccination and also how did I learn to talk?

A: Covid vaccinations are not appropriate for dogs. As far as the talking goes, I guess you are a “Goofy” type dog, as opposed to a “Pluto” type dog.

Q: As a “Goofy” type dog, should I feel guilty if my friends own “Pluto” type dogs?

A: As an anthropomorphic dog, you are closer genetically to humans than dogs, and while mixed-emotions are normal in this situation, you have no reason to feel guilty.

Q: Your guidance advised that I should continue to follow guidance from my employer, but they keep asking me to do things that seems unsafe, like licking strangers. Should I follow this guidance?

A: Sure, why not? This is America, businesses know best!

Q: I’ve been watching Two and a Half Men all the time lately, and I’m concerned that I have no taste. I heard that losing your taste can be caused by the Covid. Do I have the Covid?

A: Yes, you almost certainly have the Covid.

That ends our first “Super Stumpers” Q&A session. Thank you for joining us! Please join us again real soon, when despite reality not changing at all, the rules will all be changing creating a new round of SUPER STUMPERS!

Hello people of Mississippi. It’s me, your governor, Tate Reeves. I called this press conference to discuss a very important matter, the role of government. Now, it has come to my attention that many of you think that the roles of government include establishing and enforcing the rules of law. Some of you may call this “telling people what they can and cannot do.” Well, I’ve been doing some soul-searching. This whole Covid thing has given me lots of time to sit down with my thoughts and consider what I really want to do. Was it my dream to tell people what to do? You may think that, since I ran for governor, that yes it was my dream. Well, dreams aren’t always all they are cracked up to be. Plans change. It’s like when you buy six Big Macs on a dare. One of those dares where if you eat them all in an hour your buddies will pay for them, but by the time you get half-way through the second one you are disgusted. Well that’s me right now, disgusted by my initial meaty aspirations. That is why as of today, the government of Mississippi is no longer in the business of telling people what they can and cannot do.

You may be asking, what business are you going into then? Well, like I said, I’ve been doing some soul-searching and I’ve got my idea: taffy making. From this day forward, the government of the great state of Mississippi is a taffy making operation! Think about it: who doesn’t love taffy? Delicious sweet, salty and chewy taffy. Don’t you just think of summer at the beach?

Most importantly, taffy will never, ever tell you the basic public health guidelines to help slow a major pandemic. You wanna talk freedom? Look at all the flavors to choose from! There is nothing that says America like bin after bin of delicious sugary confections. There may be some skeptics out there who think the government of Mississippi doesn’t know the first thing about taffy making. Well, I saw a Youtube about it, and you just dump a bunch of chemicals in a big old pot and out comes the taffy. Easy as pie (which, by the way, is much harder to make than taffy.)

I’ll take some questions now.

Reporter: What about general law and order?

That’s a good question. Like I said, we are no longer in the business of telling people what they can and cannot do.

Reporter: Well, is murder ok now?

Look, you really shouldn’t be turning to us, a taffy making outfit, for guidance on whether or not it is ok to murder another human being. Maybe you should be asking us questions more appropriate for a taffy making company.

Reporter: Ok, can I have some taffy?

Sure, what flavor do you want?

Reporter: Cotton candy.

You cannot have that, we don’t offer that flavor yet. You can have watermelon though.

Reporter: Ok, I’ll take half a pound of watermelon.

Great, that will be one hundred dollars.

Reporter: That is insane, I don’t have one hundred dollars on me for taffy.

Then you sir, have the freedom to leave this fine taffy store and not come back. Are there any other questions?

Reporter: Is it true that you use aspartame, a known carcinogen, in your taffy?

Good sir, we aren’t in the business of telling people which sweeteners people can and cannot eat, and which cancers people can and cannot have. Any more questions?

Reporter: Can you address the allegations you worked a kickback scheme with your salt supplier?

The government of Mississippi, which is now a taffy making company, is also getting out of the business of answering questions. Good night.