The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is running out of bullets The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is Batman The only thing that stops you from having fun is not having a gun There are no heroes and villains in the real world The onlyContinue reading “The NRA Workshopping “The Only Thing That Stops a Bad Guy with a Gun is a Good Guy with a Gun””
Author Archives: Eric Sporer
Top 10 Things You WON’T Want to Eat Out Of the Garbage (#7 is a total game changer)
10- Bottle cap (yuck!) 9- Dirty diaper (no thank you!) 8- Coffee filter (lol!) 7- Melon rind (as if!) 6- Candy wrapper (I’ll pass!) 5- Toe nail clippings (double yuck!) 4- Cardboard box (please recycle!) 3- Skinny jeans (so last decade!) 2- Anti-vax pamphlet (not cool Uncle Joe!) 1- Dog shit (lol SUPERyuck!)
Help Me Harriet! My Freeloading, Soul-Eating Demon of a Roommate Has Got to Go
Help Me Harriet! is a weekly advice column where Harriet respond to your questions about life, love and whatever is on your mind. This week’s reader is stuck on a high-priced lease with the roommate from hell and needs a way out… and fast! Dear Harriet, I’m a 32 year old heterosexual woman. I recentlyContinue reading “Help Me Harriet! My Freeloading, Soul-Eating Demon of a Roommate Has Got to Go”
Top 10 Alarming Facts about Mr. Met
10- Is able to speak, but is in the middle of a longstanding monastic vow of silence 9- Has permanent debilitating neck pain due to his giant baseball head 8- Only maintains his relationship with Mrs. Met for the sake of their three baseball-headed children 7- Contains the soul of another man deep within 6-Continue reading “Top 10 Alarming Facts about Mr. Met”
We at Hormel Foods Corp. Do Not Understand Why People Suddenly Hate SPAM
The following is an excerpt from the Annual Board Meeting at the Hormel Foods Corporation Hello, fellow executives of the Hormel Foods Corporation. I’d like to congratulate you all on a record setting year! Very well founded fears of the apocalypse have really increased demand for our portfolio of shelf stable canned foods, and we have beenContinue reading “We at Hormel Foods Corp. Do Not Understand Why People Suddenly Hate SPAM”
Top 10 Things the PATH Train Stands For
10- People and trains halt 9- Preventing all the happiness 8- Potentially a terrible hell 7- Pretend a train’s here 6- Preferable alternative: take horses 5- Problems are there, Henry 4- Possible alien threat happening 3- Pretty awful transit, honestly 2- Pranking all the Hobokeners 1- Performing a trip haphazardly
I Was Just Unfrozen From My 50 Year Cryogenic Sleep and I Am Extremely Disappointed
My name is Michael Ellis. You may not have heard of me, but I was cryogenically frozen in the year 1971. I worked for CryoCorp back then, and I volunteered to be a participant in their cryogenic test program. I was thrilled at the idea of helping advance a technology that could preserve human life. I enteredContinue reading “I Was Just Unfrozen From My 50 Year Cryogenic Sleep and I Am Extremely Disappointed”
Top 10 Ways For Hurricanes To Become Even Scarier
10- Change name to TERRORcanes 9- Fling frogs at people. Frogs are scary, right? Or is that just to me? 8- Instead of regular hurricane noises, they start asking you who you voted for in the last presidential election in that way that you know it’s going to be followed by a political rant 7-Continue reading “Top 10 Ways For Hurricanes To Become Even Scarier”
Super Bee
Top 10 New Olympic Events
10- Monathlon 9- Height contest 8- Not getting Covid at the Olympics 7- Synchronized screaming 6- BasketBRAWL 5- Twilight Zone Marathon 4- Who can run up the down escalator the fastest 3- Freestyle muttering 2- Socially distant Greco-Roman wrestling 1- Pummel horse
A Man Eating Chicken 