Ok, Our Vaccines May Not Be the Safest, but You Can Still Trust Our Baby Shampoo

I am here to address the recent reports that upwards of 50 million doses of the Johnson & Johnson Covid-19 vaccine sit unused. I’ve heard that this is due to negative views of our vaccine, caused by a minor issue where we had to throw away 60 million doses of our vaccine that were possibly contaminated. And because we had our emergency authorization temporarily put on hold due to some potential blood clotting issues. And because our effectiveness numbers aren’t quite as high as other readily available alternatives. I understand that this could raise some red flags about our vaccine. As a lifelong J&J employee, let me assure you that all of these issues are isolated to our vaccine, and we are still the multinational conglomerate that you can trust and turn to for pharmaceuticals, consumer goods and most of all, baby shampoo.

Sure, the vaccine thing is a little unsettling, but this is a little bump in the road for a company that has been trusted by the American people for over 140 years. You see, Johnson & Johnson was founded in 1873 as a paint solvent and baby oil manufacturer. After a little mix-up at the bottling plant, the company restarted operations in 1880. Robert Wood Johnson and George Seabury founded the company. They named it Johnson and Johnson, one Johnson from Robert’s last name and the other because George was a dick. A dick who knew how to make questionable vaccines, band-aids, fake hips, baby shampoo, and thousands of your other favorite products.

They built J&J under one solid principle: People selling bottles of mystery chemicals to people. With over a century of experience, we have to be good at it, right? I mean, really old things are always good. Picture your sweet old granny. Old Grandma Mildred. Would you want some medicine mixed up by some hotshot new scientist fresh out of school with a PhD and no life experience, or a bottle of good old J&J Liquid Tylenol, mixed up in a big crusty stockpot by Old Mildred the way she learned how from her mother? I know I’m going for the pain reliever soup. Millie lived through the Great Depression and two world wars. She can barely roll out of bed unassisted. If there’s any expert on pain, it’s her.

Plus, we’re super rich! We are No. 36 on the Fortune 500. Would we able to get so rich if we weren’t trustworthy? Nope, that doesn’t sound like the America I know. The proof is in the pudding! And the pudding is Johnson & Johnson Medical Grade Pudding, a failed combination pudding and antibiotic from the mid-50s that was recalled after several deaths. I’m assuming they died of flavor overdose, what a way to go!

And what about talcum powder? People love talcum powder! Yes, you may have heard rumors that we recently have been sued 3,800 times for knowingly having asbestos in our talcum powder and not doing anything about it for decades or notifying anyone. Well, those are just rumors. We can’t be sued, because we’re bankrupt! At least the shadow company that we pushed all of our liability into is 😉

Corporate accounting loopholes can be depressing for the average citizen, who is struggling to get by and cancer ridden from talcum powder use, but did you know that J&J also makes some very effective antidepressants! Who is the bad guy now? That’s right, the communists over at Pfizer! Did you know that their vaccine requires two doses? TWO! Does that sound very trustworthy to you?

We live in a “what have you done for me lately” society, but I’d hate to see 140 years of reputation wiped out over one little tainted vaccine whoopsie-doopsie. So, please continue to purchase our No More Tears Baby Shampoo. There have been no controversies around and it is perfectly safe. I mean, it has no more tears in the name! How can that product cause you harm? It works, too. The other day, my child was watching The Crime of the Century, that movie about how Johnson and Johnson created the opioid crisis, and started crying about all of the horrible things J&J has done. Well, I fed her a little shampoo and she fell right to sleep. No more tears! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I could use a hot shower and some shampoo drinking.

A Recently Discovered Early Draft of Spiderman

The following is an excerpt of a recently discovered first draft of Spiderman. Dating back to the early 40s, this draft shows a drastically different initial vision of the character. While lacking the polish of the finished product, this draft shows a critical step in the creative process and development of Spiderman.

It was like any other day as a teenager for Peter Parker the spider. He woke up in his spider house (web) and ate a bowl of breakfast bugs. He lived with his five hundred brothers and sisters in Spider City. It was a Friday, so he packed up his knap-sac full of bugs and went to Spider High School. They were going on a field trip that day to some nuclear research center. He was a spider-nerd, so he was super stoked.

When he was at the nuclear research center he was nerding out so hard that he didn’t notice when a human accidentally touched one of the glowing nuclear rays that they shoot out at things. Everyone started yelling “Who let a human in here? Run for your lives!” It was too late, though. The nuclear human smushed poor Peter Parker the spider. All of the other spiders left him for dead, because they’re spiders.

The next day, Peter Parker the spider woke up. He was alive, it was a miracle! He crawled back to his spider house (web). He felt lucky that he survived being smushed, and a little weak. As he crawled around his room, he began to realize that something was wrong. He looked in the mirror, saw himself and was instantly terrified. Peter Parker the spider thought, “wait, who is afraid of spiders? Men!” The radioactive human must have given Peter Parker the spider the powers of a man. Peter Parker the spider was now a Spiderman! He would soon discover his new powers:

Aware of own mortality: Spiders, like all bugs, have no sense of self-awareness. Peter Parker the spider now had conscious thought and was well aware of his impending bug death. From that day on, he lived in fear of the inevitable.

Can do basic math: Most spiders are dumb as hell; hence the term “bug-brain”. Now Peter Parker the spider could add. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo…

Has the ability to speak: When you are the only spider that can talk there really isn’t anyone else to talk to.

Sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day: Most animals, especially bugs, spend their day outside doing nature stuff. Men, however, can be subjected to office work. Peter Parker the spider quickly became the most successful Spider Accountant ever, further driving him into spider depression.

Singing: Being able to sing like a human was actually pretty cool.

Disgusted by the taste of bugs: Like most humans, Peter Parker the spider now hated the taste of bugs. Unfortunately spiders only eat bugs, so he had to suffer through every meal for the rest of his life.

Super Shame: Many animals, particularly insects, lack the mental capacity for shame. Not our Spiderman, though! Good luck finding spider clothes, little guy.

Selected Excerpts from Karl Marx’s Notes on Homeschooling His Children

September 3rd

Today Jenny struck Eleanor in the head with a book. I am fairly certain that this is rooted in the fact that Eleanor gets an equal share of the family economic output despite producing less labor. I explained to Jenny that the source of her frustration is actually her own economic oppression, at which point she bit me. She clearly has internalized her own oppression and the only solution is to give her full control of her means of production.

September 5th

During our morning lesson break, while I was spending a few minutes working on my manifesto, Eleanor drew a phallus on the blackboard. I believe she is demonstrating that the blackboard and chalk have no intrinsic value; their value is only provided by the working class students who are exploited in using them to solve equations for the gain of their teacher oppressors. I erased her demonstration, however Jenny must agree, as I found several dozen similar protests in the kitchen and bathroom.

September 8th

We continue to battle in an intrinsic student-teacher class struggle, in which am a slave to the product (Jenny and Eleanor’s education), whereby I enslave the students, forcing them into worse and worse conditions so that I can profit from their education with increased social status. Today, this was embodied by me forcing them to do extra worksheets when I should have let them take a break to play outside. Being the noble proletariat they are, they engaged me in class warfare through disobedience in the form of defecating in my shoes. Soon these minor, yet unsavory forms of class struggle may escalate to full-scale sabotage. While part of me fears this, I realize that this may be the only way to free both the oppressor and the oppressed from the cycle of materialism.

September 9th

We are nearing a breakthrough, the proletariat have seized the means of production! Today, little Eleanor stood on Jenny’s shoulders, reached up to the top shelf where I keep their textbooks, snatched it from its perch and set it ablaze on the stove. While the was huge in break our vicious cycle of capitalist appropriation, it derailed our lesson plan for the day, and the children sang dirty playground limericks while I drank schnapps in the study.

September 10th

Eleanor stabbed Jenny with a fork during our morning snack. Despite the fact that we have freed ourselves from our cycle of material-chasing oppression, we still fall back into our cycles of conflict. This is likely the natural reflexive class structure taking shape again. These structures must be stopped before they take shape, so I intervened by yelling at Eleanor and smashing an empty schnapps bottle against the wall. It seemed to have worked, at least for now, as I was able to have five minutes to think my goddamn thoughts.

September 11

This morning Jenny threatened to push Eleanor out the window and I, in a haze of schnapps and anger, told her she didn’t have the guts to. On a related note I have begun looking into private education for Jenny and Eleanor. I feel that I, while capable of understanding the issues that have plagued man throughout history, have no idea what is causing these little demons to behave the way they do. I feel that they are not driven by fulfilling their materials needs like the rest of humanity, but by the need to test my sanity. The school I have found, while expensive, claims to be the best that money can buy. For an extra 20 marks a day, they will also do an early drop off and a late pickup. To pay for this, I’ve taken a middle management position at a local lumber mill, and I will continue to write my manifesto when I’m not tied up with work.

Why Fake it Till You Make it? Try the Instant Middle Management Starter Kit!

Have you recently been promoted to middle management? Do you feel unqualified for the position? Are you suffering from Imposter Syndrome? Well, you can fake it till you make it, or you can fast track yourself to success with our new Instant Middle Manager Starter Kit! It comes with everything you need to look like you are a seasoned middle manager including:

  • Complain-y Catchphrases: You get a list of potential catchphrases you can use around the office that let everyone know you aren’t happy, but that aren’t extreme enough to raise any red flags. Some of these include “I don’t know, I’m just the manager”, “Someone around here needs to do some work” and “All of you are idiots.”
  • Outdated Family Pictures: Everyone needs a nice reminder of why they are coming to work and what truly makes them happy. A good middle manager hasn’t been happy in decades, so we’ve included some pictures of your grandparents as children, since that is the most recent time you can picture anyone being happy at all.
  • Unkempt Appearance: A five o’clock shadow is so 1990’s. You need to show them that you didn’t have time to shave not just this morning, but this year. Go full caveman here. Hell, we’ve even thrown a caveman’s club into the kit. People will know you mean business and that you’ve been in your position so long that you no longer care about appearances, personal hygiene or what millennium it is.
  • Emotional Distress: Coping with the stress and long hours isn’t easy. You still get the same shitty health insurance and your raise is actually less than the annual increase in premiums, so good luck affording any therapy. Dress the part by developing mental health issues! We’ve included some mood altering drugs to help this along.
  • Bags Under Eyes: These bad boys are so deep that Whole Foods would give you a whole dollar off your purchase if you brought one.
  • Constant Scowl: We’ve included an eyebrow shaving template to make you look slightly pissed off all the time. In the business, we call this Resting Management Face. Over time, people will stop smiling at you and your mood will actually sour and you won’t need to use the template anymore!
  • Lack of Interesting Stories: We’ve included a handbook of generic responses when employees ask if you did anything fun over the weekend such as: “Didn’t come here”, “Counted my hours of freedom as they dwindled away” and “No”.  Show them that you have a work-life balance: your morale is equally crushed at work and in life.
  • Back Problems: Over time this sitting at a desk for 10 hours a day and being treated as an actual doormat will give your back the classic “Middle Management Curve”, however to make you look the part, we’ve included a fake hump taken from a Quasimodo Halloween costume.
  • Fat Suit: Jowls! Paunch! We give you all of the silliest sounding fat, but it’s just fat. Sitting in an office and complaining doesn’t burn calories the way working out at lunch used to (by the way, you now have to work through lunch.)
  • Lack of Power: Before you let this new position go to your head, remember that it doesn’t come with any actual power, just responsibility for things you can barely control. You are paid too much to do the actual work and solve the problems, but too little to decide what the solution is. You are basically just the fall guy. We’ve included a flow chart to decide whether a decision is above your pay grade or below your pay grade.
  • Expensive Alcohol Collection: Remember when you drank too much bourbon in high school and it was a problem? Now, it’s a hobby! Have too many bottles in the house? It’s a collection! Spend too much? It’s an investment! 

Kim Raisner’s Pros and Cons List for Punching the Horse at the Olympics

Pro: It will definitely teach the horse a lesson

Con: Animal abuse is generally frowned upon

Pro: All press is good press

Con: The horse didn’t ask for any of this, including being ridden at all

Pro: It’ll really get some of my aggression out

Con: The horse is bigger than me and may already be plotting revenge

Pro: What could possibly go wrong?

Con: I won’t get to hear the horse’s side of things first, unless the horse is related to Mr. Ed

Pro: People generally give Germans the benefit of the doubt when it comes to violence

Con: The last time I was punched in the middle of an internationally televised event it made me pretty sad

Pro: I’ve wanted to punch a horse at the Olympics ever since I was a little girl

Con: I’ve already been warned about this several times

Pro: Maybe this will finally reignite the longstanding public debate over whether it is ok for a grown woman to beat the shit out of a horse for not jumping over a stick

Con: Human-Horse boxing is not an official IOC sanctioned event… yet

Pro: I know it’s the Olympics, but maybe nobody will be watching?

Con: I’m under the impression that pummel horse is already a gymnastics event, so I shouldn’t steal their thunder

Pro: What could possibly go wrong?

Con: I know that, deep down, I’m only doing this because a horse punched me as a child and this is just perpetuating that cycle of horse-person violence

Pro: What could possibly go wrong?

10-9, the Pros win!

The Latest Quarantine Guidance from the State of Insanity Public Health Department

If you have come to this website, you likely have been exposed to Covid-19. That shit is everywhere these days. The State of Insanity Public Health Department has put together the following guidance for next steps based on your exposure, vaccination status and other important factors.

You were exposed to an individual who tested positive for Covid-19. The exposure was an extended close contact where both of you were unmasked. You are vaccinated.

If the exposure was before September 1, then monitor yourself for symptoms. If you do develop symptoms, you will need to quarantine until at least 7 days from the onset of symptoms. You may stop quarantine if you must meet one of the following sets of criteria: 

1) Quarantine for at least 7 days from onset of symptoms and no fever for at least 24 hours and a two negative PCR tests at least 24 hours apart both taken at least 5 days from the onset of symptoms; 

2) Quarantine for at least 14 days from the onset of symptoms and no fever for at least 48 hours from the onset of symptoms;

3) Construct a time machine and go back to prevent the exposure from ever happening and no other new diseases caused by a time travel paradox and no fever for at least 24 hours after returning to present.

If the exposure was after September 1, then you will need to quarantine, big time. Regardless of your status of having symptoms, you will need to quarantine for a minimum of 21 days. In order to end the quarantine, you will need to have 4 consecutive negative PCR tests after the 12th day of quarantine, each at least 36 hours apart but no more than 38 hours apart. If any of these come back positive, your quarantine clock resets to zero days and you must forfeit any Quarantine Points earned up until that point. If you suspect a false positive and want to contest it, you may choose to run The Gauntlet, but nobody has ever survived it.

Your unvaccinated toddler stuck their finger in the nose of another unvaccinated toddler, who you later found out has tested positive. You are unvaccinated and have been exposed to your child because, you know, it’s your child.

Children are so precious!

You have not been exposed to anyone experiencing Covid-19 symptoms and just happened upon this website by accident.

Quarantine your computer for 10 days or until it can receive two negative PCR tests at least 24 hours apart.

You are vaccinated, but your husband is not. You were going down the aisle in Albertsons and passed by someone who wasn’t wearing a mask and coughed like right next to you. 

Go home and complain to your husband from at least six feet away.

You were exposed to someone who was exposed to someone with Covid-19. When you were exposed to that person, they were experiencing no symptoms but their Covid-19 exposure was two days prior. The next day, they started experiencing a mild fever and a runny nose. They are still awaiting their test results and you currently only have a cough.

Oh boy…. we’ll get back to you on that one.

You were exposed to the music of Limp Bizkit.

I’m so sorry.

You were exposed to someone who tested positive for Covid-19. Now you want to stay home from work to be cautious, since you work with older unvaccinated individuals in tight quarters and you’ve read that viral loads are just as high in vaccinated individuals and unvaccinated ones. Your employer tells you that you either need to go in or lose your job.

Welcome to America!