Top 10 Worst Ways to Boost Office Morale

10- Let everyone work from home by forcing them to live at the office

9- Better yet, have them work from their actual homes, but only after they’ve worked in the office for 9 hours a day

8-  Play two truths and one lie, but without telling the other employees

7- Do icebreakers, where employees must smash giant blocks of ice to bond over a shared struggle

6- Distrust falls

5- Have a Secret Santa, where you tell everyone’s kids the secret that there is no Santa

4- Implement an open door policy everywhere, including bathrooms

3- Play office Jeopardy, the game where you tell everyone their jobs are in jeopardy and that’s the game

2- Have a weekly office happy hour, where employees can now be happy at work for one whole hour a week

1- OSHA Violation Bingo

My Shark Tank Pitch: Jurassic Park, but with Animals

Hey guys, I’m a big fan of this show and can’t believe I’m actually on it! I’m not an inventor or an entrepreneur, just your everyday guy who came up with a life changing idea. So, you all know the movie Jurassic Park, right? The one where scientists recreate dinosaurs from preserved dino blood and try to make it into an amusement park, but the dinosaurs all escape and cause a whole mess of trouble. Then they do it again a bunch of times. Well, that’s not my idea. First off, it was someone else’s idea already. It also clearly didn’t end well, even if the kids and Jeff Goldblum got out ok. I’m not sure if there was real science behind it, which could be a deal breaker. I have an idea that gets around all of these problems, though, and I think you’re going to like it: Jurassic Park, but with animals instead of dinosaurs! I call it “Animal Park”.

I’ve got some other improvements planned, too. One big one is that we won’t be hiring Newman from Seinfeld. I feel like that should’ve been obvious to them, but he was the antagonist on the show, of course he’s gonna try some sneaky stuff. Instead, I’m thinking it would be smarter to hire one of the good guys from the gang. Maybe George? Lots of laughs and he won’t cut the power to steal trade secrets. Another idea is to sell Dippin’ Dots. People love those things! Especially kids, who will be a big market for Animal Park. Another thing I thought of is that we’d have a part where kids can touch the more tame animals and feed them. That section is called “Petting Park”. Pretty catchy, eh?

And how about this idea I just came up with? You guys have a great idea for a this show here, Shark Tank. I mean, I get it, you guys are like a tank of sharks feeding on the chum that is the contestants. What if Animal Park had a Shark Tank? Like an actual tank of sharks? Wouldn’t that be wild? I mean, it has all of the danger of Jurassic Park, but no risk of the sharks breaking out of the tank.

So, that’s my million dollar idea. That’s why I’ve come to ask you for five million dollars to purchase a van, a net, one hundred eighty five pounds of top round, and to hire one very brave man and Jason Alexander to work at Animal Park. What do you think? Why don’t you think it over and get back to me. Thanks for your consideration.

I’m a Turkey Pardoned by Joe Biden and I Wish He Would Have Killed and Eaten Me

Hello, my name is “Peanut Butter”, at least that’s what the god damn President of the USA told everyone. Turkeys don’t have names. You’d think the leader of the free world would know that. Anyway, if you watch the news, you probably saw last week that he pardoned me and my buddy “Jelly”. Well, as fucked up as it sounds, I wish he would have just killed and eaten us.

Why, you might ask? Well, look at it through my eyes. One day I’m minding my own business in my coop, looking for bugs to eat. The next thing I know, some guys in suits come by in a van and grab me and my buddy. They looked like special agents or something. I had no idea what the fuck was going on, since they blindfolded us, but I knew it couldn’t be good. I’m not a citizen; I thought maybe I was getting deported. Or maybe they were gonna waterboard me until I admitted to some crime I didn’t commit. I saw a documentary about Guantanamo, I know how they operate. Imagine my surprise when they take us out of the van and we’re at the White House.

So I, a turkey, had been kidnapped and taken to the White House. This isn’t some covert operation, though. There’s a crowd and the press is there. Then they take me up to a podium with Joe Biden there. He starts rubbing my back and telling me it’s gonna be ok. I’m not sure if he’s trying to put the moves on me or what.

He makes this big speech, where’s he’s calling me “Peanut Butter” and my buddy “Jelly”. He’s talking to the cameras and tells them he is going to pardon us and let us live. Pardon us?! From what? I didn’t know we were accused of anything and they were going to fucking kill us! What about due process? I didn’t think capital punishment was even practiced in DC.
At that moment, there were a lot of emotions going on: confusion, anger, relief. While I’m still processing all this, the suits toss us back in the van and drive us off to the farm. No explanation, no goodbye, they just dump us there. And when we get back, all of our friends and family are gone. Again, no explanation, they are just gone. I guess they didn’t get the same pardons we got.

I know I should just be thankful to be alive, but have you ever heard of survivor’s guilt? All I keep thinking was, why were we pardoned? Why do I deserve to be here and not the other turkeys? And that’s just talking about turkeys. I mean, have you heard about the Julius Jones case? That’s pretty high profile, yet the president is pardoning me, a turkey who hasn’t been formally accused of a crime. I don’t know what his angle is, but part of me is terrified of finding out.

Ever since that day I have been having horrible recurring dreams. In these dreams, I’m walking around the farm. It’s freezing out and there are two moons in the sky. I hear the wind howling. It sounds like it’s an old man’s voice whispering how everything is going to be ok. Then I feel someone grab my ass. I turn around and it’s Joe Biden. There’s cameras everywhere and my parents are there. Biden has the giant electric knife and says “dinner is served”. Then I wake up. That’s been every god damn night since that day. How long has that been? I have no clue, turkeys have a terrible sense of time.

I have lost total faith in my government, my country, even my turkey God. If I could get out of here and start fresh, I would. As an undocumented flightless bird it’s really hard to flee the country. I just wish Taft were still president. He’d have killed and eaten me himself.

Top 10 Alarming Facts About the Phoenix Suns Gorilla

10- Was acquired from the San Diego Zoo in a trade for Dan Majerle

9- Once dunked a ball so hard that it created a tear in the space-time continuum, sending him from his Ape Planet to Earth

8- Was once suspended for monkey business; his business was selling weed to kids

7- Is a King Kong truther

6- Replaced the much less beloved Phoenix Suns Guerilla

5- Doesn’t understand the ending of Planet of the Apes, but likes the movie for its ape representation

4- Was part of a love triangle with Bobby the Dole Banana and Gus the Pittsburgh State Gorilla

3- In a confusing twist, there is a gorilla inside the gorilla costume

2- His dream job wasn’t to dive through flaming hoops to dunk basketballs but to write the next great American novel while diving through flaming hoops

1- Ironically missed the 1994-95 season after slipping on a banana peel and tearing his ACL

Ethics 101

Hello and welcome to Ethics 101. I’m your professor, Mr. Jarvis. My goal in this class is to have each of you see how ethics are behind so much of what we do, and to look at these ethics with a critical lens. Let me start with an easy example, or is it? Let’s find out. Is murder ok? Hands up if you think so. No hands? Hm, must be shy. I guess it is the first day. Well, let’s do a couple of thought exercises to expand your horizons a little and then we can revisit that one. Just remember, ethics class is a judgment free zone, there are no wrong answers here.

So, picture this: there’s a big buffet for a party. All of the attendees are rich and never have to worry about having enough food to eat. There’s more food than they can eat and they are just going to throw it away. A starving person comes by and takes some of the food that they were going to throw away. Is it ok to eat the person, to teach them a lesson about eating other peoples’ food? I’m seeing a lot of heads shaking. I think there’s some groupthink going on here. 

Maybe we need to go back to a classic: the trolley car dilemma. Some of you may know this one already. There’s a trolley going down a track that is heading for five people. You can divert it down a track that has nobody on it and will safely drop the passengers off at the ice cream shop. What do you do? See, ethics aren’t always that cut and dry.

Is it ethical for an ethics professor to picture their students naked? Not in a sexual way, but more because the professor really can’t stand the clothes that the students are wearing. I’m seeing a lot of folded arms over chests and some of you are leaving, so I’ll take that one as a maybe. I see we’re making some progress here.

Let’s say you forgot your lunch and you are hungry. Is it ok to take your coworker’s kale salad from the department fridge? What if you know they have a desk full of snacks? Ah, question in the back. How do I know what’s in their desk? I don’t know, this is all a thought exercise. I guess you could hypothetically rifle through all of your coworkers’ desks to know these things. Another question from you in the front. Oh, I have kale in my teeth? No, that must be swiss chard, you unethical fool. Yes, it is clearly unethical to not know the difference between bits of leafy greens. 

How about this one: a hypothetical teacher offered to give you an A in his course if you would give him your lunch every day for the rest of the year. Would it be unethical to bring this to the attention of the department chair? YES! Extremely unethical, especially when he’s up for tenure. Snitches get stitches, that’s prison ethics 101, which this course is a prerequisite for. 

After all of these examples, you should be noticing a pattern. Ethics can be tricky. You have your personal values, experiences and perspective to draw on, but even those in your own circles may have different ethics. Imagine those who are very different from you. Picture, if you will, a middle aged man. A little rough around the edges, but a good guy, if you get to know him. Balding, but dignified. A little smelly, but still dignified. Kale in his teeth, but pride in his heart. In the middle of an ugly divorce with the meanest bitch this side of the Mississippi. Yes, I realize that here on Nicollet Island we are in the middle of the Mississippi River. That’s not the point. The point is, picture this guy. If you need a name, you can call him Mr. Darvis. This Darvis guy had a rough go at it. Would it be so bad if he faked all of his credentials to become an ethics professor? What if he wasn’t qualified to do anything else? What if he just ended the class now and promised to give everyone a B+? Would he be such a bad guy then?

Defund Sting and The Police

It may sound extreme to some, but the excessive, brutal and militarized police have lost sight of their mission. The police should be here to help our communities thrive and should be deescalating issues, however countless high profile incidents have shown us that the opposite is happening. Things are getting worse every day, and the frequency and severity of publicly known abuses of power are increasing. That is why I’m joining the millions of voices across America calling to defund Sting and The Police.

I’ve heard the counter-arguments so many times. “Everyone I talk to loves the Police.” This argument just illustrates the problem in our country of divided realities. Yes, the Police are popular in many circles. The Police have sold over 75 million records and Synchronicity was the No. 1 charting album in the UK, Canada, US, Australia and Italy, I can’t argue with that. What about people who don’t like the Police, though? What about the metalheads? The hip hop fans? The jazz cats? While the Police might not be hurting you personally, I can assure you that if you leave your white suburban bubbles you can see the pain that they have caused so many. There are whole communities who are scared every time that they hear a knock on the door that it will be Sting on the other side, ready to lay down a smooth, reggae-tinged bassline. The fear is understandable; for many, the Police are everywhere. Ghost in the Machine came out 30 years ago, yet tell me how many Sweet Sixteen parties you’ve been to where they haven’t played “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic”?

The issues here won’t be solved by just getting rid of the Police, that’s not what I’m calling for. The Police still serve a role in a well-functioning society. The problem is just that the Police are becoming too powerful. Did you know that Andy Summers owns a tank? Ten years ago, tanks were reserved for the military, not for new wave rock guitarists. Things have clearly gotten out of hand and the system needs some interventions and oversight. There are some clear steps that can be taken other than getting rid of the Police to help restore the balance of power.

One thing we can do is divest. We can give some money to some alternatives to the Police: other new wave rock bands. The Talking Heads could do a lot for the community with just a fraction of the funding that the Police is getting. Research has shown that people respond well to The Cars, too. If we address the root cause of the issue, we wouldn’t need so much Police.

One other way to solve the problem is to see who is benefiting from this Police state and take them out of the equation. That’s right, I’m talking about the record labels. The Industrial Record Complex gets upwards of 80% of every dollar the Police makes. It is clearly in their best interest to have more Police presence. Did you know that they have whole marketing departments whose job it is to ensure that there’s Police playing on every corner? If it were up to them, the Police would be in every home in America. Is that the world you want to live in? The incentives are all backwards, if there’s a whole industry designed to make money off of the Police.

Defunding the Police would be radical change for sure, so I know it won’t be easy. One of the biggest obstacles here is the entrenched police culture. I’m sure many of you probably dressed as Sting for Halloween when you were kids. Stewart Copeland may have even come to your school for Career Day. It is going to take large cultural awareness and a mass ideological shift. While recent Police incidents in the news have helped raise awareness, there is still a large divide. Recently, Police fan clubs have been forming. These clubs are echo chambers, where people who love the Police can discuss their favorite songs and not get any outside perspective from those whose communities have been harmed by the Police.

The key here is education, but as society becomes siloed, it’s an uphill battle. I would love to get a victim of the Police (maybe a family member of someone killed by Andy Summers?) to come to one of these Police fan club meetings to talk about their perspective, but I doubt I can arrange that. The Police culture is so entrenched, that we most likely will need to just wait for the Boomers to die, at which point nobody alive will have heard of the Police and the problem will just go away on its own.

Ok, Our Vaccines May Not Be the Safest, but You Can Still Trust Our Baby Shampoo

I am here to address the recent reports that upwards of 50 million doses of the Johnson & Johnson Covid-19 vaccine sit unused. I’ve heard that this is due to negative views of our vaccine, caused by a minor issue where we had to throw away 60 million doses of our vaccine that were possibly contaminated. And because we had our emergency authorization temporarily put on hold due to some potential blood clotting issues. And because our effectiveness numbers aren’t quite as high as other readily available alternatives. I understand that this could raise some red flags about our vaccine. As a lifelong J&J employee, let me assure you that all of these issues are isolated to our vaccine, and we are still the multinational conglomerate that you can trust and turn to for pharmaceuticals, consumer goods and most of all, baby shampoo.

Sure, the vaccine thing is a little unsettling, but this is a little bump in the road for a company that has been trusted by the American people for over 140 years. You see, Johnson & Johnson was founded in 1873 as a paint solvent and baby oil manufacturer. After a little mix-up at the bottling plant, the company restarted operations in 1880. Robert Wood Johnson and George Seabury founded the company. They named it Johnson and Johnson, one Johnson from Robert’s last name and the other because George was a dick. A dick who knew how to make questionable vaccines, band-aids, fake hips, baby shampoo, and thousands of your other favorite products.

They built J&J under one solid principle: People selling bottles of mystery chemicals to people. With over a century of experience, we have to be good at it, right? I mean, really old things are always good. Picture your sweet old granny. Old Grandma Mildred. Would you want some medicine mixed up by some hotshot new scientist fresh out of school with a PhD and no life experience, or a bottle of good old J&J Liquid Tylenol, mixed up in a big crusty stockpot by Old Mildred the way she learned how from her mother? I know I’m going for the pain reliever soup. Millie lived through the Great Depression and two world wars. She can barely roll out of bed unassisted. If there’s any expert on pain, it’s her.

Plus, we’re super rich! We are No. 36 on the Fortune 500. Would we able to get so rich if we weren’t trustworthy? Nope, that doesn’t sound like the America I know. The proof is in the pudding! And the pudding is Johnson & Johnson Medical Grade Pudding, a failed combination pudding and antibiotic from the mid-50s that was recalled after several deaths. I’m assuming they died of flavor overdose, what a way to go!

And what about talcum powder? People love talcum powder! Yes, you may have heard rumors that we recently have been sued 3,800 times for knowingly having asbestos in our talcum powder and not doing anything about it for decades or notifying anyone. Well, those are just rumors. We can’t be sued, because we’re bankrupt! At least the shadow company that we pushed all of our liability into is 😉

Corporate accounting loopholes can be depressing for the average citizen, who is struggling to get by and cancer ridden from talcum powder use, but did you know that J&J also makes some very effective antidepressants! Who is the bad guy now? That’s right, the communists over at Pfizer! Did you know that their vaccine requires two doses? TWO! Does that sound very trustworthy to you?

We live in a “what have you done for me lately” society, but I’d hate to see 140 years of reputation wiped out over one little tainted vaccine whoopsie-doopsie. So, please continue to purchase our No More Tears Baby Shampoo. There have been no controversies around and it is perfectly safe. I mean, it has no more tears in the name! How can that product cause you harm? It works, too. The other day, my child was watching The Crime of the Century, that movie about how Johnson and Johnson created the opioid crisis, and started crying about all of the horrible things J&J has done. Well, I fed her a little shampoo and she fell right to sleep. No more tears! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I could use a hot shower and some shampoo drinking.

A Recently Discovered Early Draft of Spiderman

The following is an excerpt of a recently discovered first draft of Spiderman. Dating back to the early 40s, this draft shows a drastically different initial vision of the character. While lacking the polish of the finished product, this draft shows a critical step in the creative process and development of Spiderman.

It was like any other day as a teenager for Peter Parker the spider. He woke up in his spider house (web) and ate a bowl of breakfast bugs. He lived with his five hundred brothers and sisters in Spider City. It was a Friday, so he packed up his knap-sac full of bugs and went to Spider High School. They were going on a field trip that day to some nuclear research center. He was a spider-nerd, so he was super stoked.

When he was at the nuclear research center he was nerding out so hard that he didn’t notice when a human accidentally touched one of the glowing nuclear rays that they shoot out at things. Everyone started yelling “Who let a human in here? Run for your lives!” It was too late, though. The nuclear human smushed poor Peter Parker the spider. All of the other spiders left him for dead, because they’re spiders.

The next day, Peter Parker the spider woke up. He was alive, it was a miracle! He crawled back to his spider house (web). He felt lucky that he survived being smushed, and a little weak. As he crawled around his room, he began to realize that something was wrong. He looked in the mirror, saw himself and was instantly terrified. Peter Parker the spider thought, “wait, who is afraid of spiders? Men!” The radioactive human must have given Peter Parker the spider the powers of a man. Peter Parker the spider was now a Spiderman! He would soon discover his new powers:

Aware of own mortality: Spiders, like all bugs, have no sense of self-awareness. Peter Parker the spider now had conscious thought and was well aware of his impending bug death. From that day on, he lived in fear of the inevitable.

Can do basic math: Most spiders are dumb as hell; hence the term “bug-brain”. Now Peter Parker the spider could add. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo…

Has the ability to speak: When you are the only spider that can talk there really isn’t anyone else to talk to.

Sitting at a desk for 8 hours a day: Most animals, especially bugs, spend their day outside doing nature stuff. Men, however, can be subjected to office work. Peter Parker the spider quickly became the most successful Spider Accountant ever, further driving him into spider depression.

Singing: Being able to sing like a human was actually pretty cool.

Disgusted by the taste of bugs: Like most humans, Peter Parker the spider now hated the taste of bugs. Unfortunately spiders only eat bugs, so he had to suffer through every meal for the rest of his life.

Super Shame: Many animals, particularly insects, lack the mental capacity for shame. Not our Spiderman, though! Good luck finding spider clothes, little guy.

Selected Excerpts from Karl Marx’s Notes on Homeschooling His Children

September 3rd

Today Jenny struck Eleanor in the head with a book. I am fairly certain that this is rooted in the fact that Eleanor gets an equal share of the family economic output despite producing less labor. I explained to Jenny that the source of her frustration is actually her own economic oppression, at which point she bit me. She clearly has internalized her own oppression and the only solution is to give her full control of her means of production.

September 5th

During our morning lesson break, while I was spending a few minutes working on my manifesto, Eleanor drew a phallus on the blackboard. I believe she is demonstrating that the blackboard and chalk have no intrinsic value; their value is only provided by the working class students who are exploited in using them to solve equations for the gain of their teacher oppressors. I erased her demonstration, however Jenny must agree, as I found several dozen similar protests in the kitchen and bathroom.

September 8th

We continue to battle in an intrinsic student-teacher class struggle, in which am a slave to the product (Jenny and Eleanor’s education), whereby I enslave the students, forcing them into worse and worse conditions so that I can profit from their education with increased social status. Today, this was embodied by me forcing them to do extra worksheets when I should have let them take a break to play outside. Being the noble proletariat they are, they engaged me in class warfare through disobedience in the form of defecating in my shoes. Soon these minor, yet unsavory forms of class struggle may escalate to full-scale sabotage. While part of me fears this, I realize that this may be the only way to free both the oppressor and the oppressed from the cycle of materialism.

September 9th

We are nearing a breakthrough, the proletariat have seized the means of production! Today, little Eleanor stood on Jenny’s shoulders, reached up to the top shelf where I keep their textbooks, snatched it from its perch and set it ablaze on the stove. While the was huge in break our vicious cycle of capitalist appropriation, it derailed our lesson plan for the day, and the children sang dirty playground limericks while I drank schnapps in the study.

September 10th

Eleanor stabbed Jenny with a fork during our morning snack. Despite the fact that we have freed ourselves from our cycle of material-chasing oppression, we still fall back into our cycles of conflict. This is likely the natural reflexive class structure taking shape again. These structures must be stopped before they take shape, so I intervened by yelling at Eleanor and smashing an empty schnapps bottle against the wall. It seemed to have worked, at least for now, as I was able to have five minutes to think my goddamn thoughts.

September 11

This morning Jenny threatened to push Eleanor out the window and I, in a haze of schnapps and anger, told her she didn’t have the guts to. On a related note I have begun looking into private education for Jenny and Eleanor. I feel that I, while capable of understanding the issues that have plagued man throughout history, have no idea what is causing these little demons to behave the way they do. I feel that they are not driven by fulfilling their materials needs like the rest of humanity, but by the need to test my sanity. The school I have found, while expensive, claims to be the best that money can buy. For an extra 20 marks a day, they will also do an early drop off and a late pickup. To pay for this, I’ve taken a middle management position at a local lumber mill, and I will continue to write my manifesto when I’m not tied up with work.