With Covid seeming like a permanent problem, the MTA has updated it’s guide for subway etiquette for Covid times. You may be surprised that there was existing subway etiquette to update. Well, there is subway etiquette. It’s a subtle but complicated dance, like the kind that two rats do while fighting over food scraps. Here are highlights of the new guidelines:
Man-spreading is now encouraged to promote social distancing.
Defecating on the platforms is only allowed if masked.
G trains will continue to socially distance from other G trains by arriving once every 40 minutes.
Buskers are now only allowed to sing sad, sad songs.
“Showtime” is still allowed to be uncomfortably close, even by pre-Covid standards. If one of the subway performers accidentally touches you during Showtime, you are expected to give them a larger tip to help with medical costs in case you gave them Covid.
Dr Zizmor is considered an essential worker, even though nothing else essential advertises on the subway. Please don’t call his office with any Covid related questions, though.
Mole people are not eligible for the vaccine, so if you see any it is uncouth to ask them if they are vaccinated. Also, they are a myth and please don’t talk to them if you think you see them.
If the train arrival board time feels like it isn’t accurate and it has said the F train is coming in ten minutes for the last ten minutes, then you are probably suffering from time dysmorphia, a common Covid symptom. The train arrival board is infallible and continuously updated by a neural link to NYCT Interim President Craig Cipriano. ALL HAIL CIPRIANO!
If there is only one other person in your subway car, you can assume it is the smelly car (you know, the car with a homeless person so smelly that they clear out the car) and you have lost your sense of smell due to Covid. You should quarantine with the homeless person in the smelly car for 10 days.
Eating on the subway is somehow still totally cool.
If there’s a PA announcement that is unintelligible, please yell “OH MY GOD, IS IT AN OUTBREAK?! ARE WE ALL GONNA DIE?!!”
Even though the Metrocard machines require touching more shared surfaces than buying one from the booth, it’s still ok to use them to avoid an actual human interaction.
It is still 100% never ok to use, ask about using, or even think about using the station bathroom. Ew.
Riding between cars used to be discouraged. It is now not only encouraged, but required if you can’t maintain the impossible six foot spacing.
While eye contact hasn’t been a proven way to spread Covid, still try to avoid it.
“Stand clear of the closing doors” has been replaced with “stand clear of the Covid doors”, in the hopes that people will actually obey it.
A Man Eating Chicken 