Modern Metamorphosis

Gregor Samsa wakes up one morning to find himself transformed into an insect. This is surprising at first, but then again Donald Trump did become president, so anything seems possible. Like a responsible citizen, Gregor checks if insect transformation is a symptom of Covid. Seeing that it is not, Gregor is immediately relieved. Stuck on his back and unable to get up and leave the bed, Gregor reflects on his job as a traveling salesman and cloth merchant, which is full of temporary and constantly changing human relationships, which never come from the heart. Being of Generation Z, most of his personal relationships take place through the phone and are also temporary, constantly changing, and never come from the heart, so he’s used to it.

Still, he sees his employer as a despot and would quit his job if he were not his family’s sole breadwinner and paying off both his and his parents’ student loans. Turning into an insect, however, has shown him that life is too short to waste selling cloth. After all, he’s been receiving a stimmy every month, and has heard rumors that Uncle Joe is going to forgive student loans. Also, everyone else is quitting their jobs. He doesn’t see why a cloth salesman is an essential worker who needs to put himself at risk for Covid just to make his company some money. Nobody would buy cloth from a bug anyway. I mean, it isn’t the 1800s, who buys cloth at all? So, while lying on his back, Gregor decides he is going to quit his job once he can right himself. 

While trying to get off of his back Gregor finds that his office manager, the chief clerk, has shown up to check on him, indignant about Gregor’s unexcused absence. Gregor attempts to communicate with both the manager and his family, but all they can hear from behind the door is incomprehensible vocalizations. Then he realizes that he can just use his phone, and he texts the clerk that he quits, along with a hang ten emoji, a middle finger emoji and a bug emoji. He then texts his family “IM A BUG LOL!”. They come in and are disgusted. His sister, Grete, post some TikToks of Gregor that quickly go viral.

With Gregor’s unexpected transformation, he becomes the world’s #1 bug influencer. In spite of this, they keep Gregor locked in his room, because he’s a bug. There, he begins to accept his new identity and adapt to his new body. Grete is the only one in the family willing to bring him any food, but Grubhub is willing to cater to his desired diet of rotting food. 

With a steady stream of income from his influencer job and a steady supply of garbage to eat, Gregor starts spending lavishly and invests a good chunk of money in NFTs and crypto. Unfortunately, an even grosser bug-man goes viral on TikTok, stealing Gregor’s market and ruining his sole source of income. Gregor tries to sell his investments, but it turns out his NFTs have no value and the crypto was all scam coins and are worth nothing.

Desperate for income, Gregor signs up for a celebrity boxing match against Macaulay Culkin. Gregor vows to reform his spending habits with the income he earns. In the boxing match, however, Macaulay Culkin removes his shoe and hits Gregor with it, smushing him. His disgusted but relieved family dispose of his bug body and move out to the countryside.

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