Postmodern Career Day

Hello Wilson High School, the future of Tacoma, and welcome to Career Day 2021! I am your first Career Day speaker, Mr. Larry Johnson, and I’m here to talk to you about your exciting future. I know that most of you don’t know and aren’t even concerned about what you’ll be doing when you graduate. You’re probably more worried about who you are going to take on a date to the big homecoming game! Am I right? But the future sneaks up on you. Trust me I know. It seems like just yesterday I was sitting here like the rest of you, drunkenly bemoaning the stupid Career Day speakers. It’s funny how life works.

Anyway, enough with the pleasantries. Let’s get down to brass tacks: an exciting career in Office Stuff. I’m sure you have all heard Office Stuff. Most of your parents probably work in Office Stuff. If you parents are pale, have bad posture and a slightly glazed over look most of the time, they definitely work in Office Stuff. You are probably wondering: what does Office Stuff have to do with me? Well, statistically 90% of you will be working in Office Stuff. 6% of you will be in prison, 4% of you will be unemployed and between this school and all the other ones in Pierce County, one of you will be a minor league athlete and one tenth of one of you will be a major league athlete. Go Hawks!

So, now that I’ve got you interested, you want to know more about a career in Office Stuff! The first question most of you are asking is: what can I do to prepare for my inevitable career in Office Stuff? I’d say, the number one best thing you can do is to start taking a lot of shit from everyone, especially people who are in positions of power over you despite not being very well qualified. High school is pretty good practice for that, so you are actually all pretty well prepared. Most of you don’t have the power to make any real decisions right now, which is also great preparation. If you are cool now, you may want to start toning it down a little to prepare, as there is no way to be cool while doing Office Stuff and the transitioning may be jarring.

Office Stuff isn’t all fun and games, though. It has some difficulties that you may want to prepare for. One major difficulty that you aren’t used to is the grind. High school is 4 years, but Office Stuff is pretty much forever. You may want to consider getting left back a few times to simulate the hopelessness of Office Stuff. There’s also office politics, which is actually way less intense than high school politics, now that I think about it. The more I talk about it, Office Stuff is really just like high school, except instead of going on until you drop out, it goes on until you drop dead.

I guess if you want to do something additional to prepare, you may want to work on spreadsheets, since that’s an important part of Office Stuff. I don’t know if you guys have a spreadsheets class here or a computers class or something. It not, you can just say you know and how to do it and then Google it once you have a job in Office Stuff. In fact, if you can Google things and you will do just fine at Office Stuff.

Thank you for your time and “attention.” Let’s see, up next we have a corrections officer, an unemployment agent and a football scout. Enjoy!

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