A Tough Pill to Swallow

Remembering to take your birth control pill every day can be hard, but it’s essential if you want to maintain consistent contraceptive protection. When pills are taken off-schedule, your risk of an unplanned pregnancy increases. That said, sometimes mistakes happen and a pill is forgotten or a pack is started late. The following instructions will help you learn how to get back on track.

You missed one active birth control pill

Take the missed pill the next day along with your regular dose.

You missed one active birth control pill and you live in Texas

I’m not sure how you got those pills in the first place but I advise you to clear your browser history and don’t tell anyone about the pills or where you got them.

You mistakenly took fish oil pills instead of birth control pills for a month

Congratulations on your baby mermaid!

You accidentally dumped all of the pills into a pile of Altoids and now you can’t tell which is which

Want to know a secret? They’re the same. 

You missed several decades of birth control pills and are saddled with four children

It’s too late for birth control pills; I recommend Xanax instead.

The problem with the pills is that there are too MANY and they won’t stop BOSSING ME AROUND AND TELLING ME MY BUSINESS

Sorry, this is an FAQ for birth control pills, not crazy pills.

You took all 28 birth control pills in a day because you thought it would be easier to remember that way

Whatever you do, abstain from all sex. We need you out of the gene pool ASAP.

You aren’t sure if you took your active pill for the last 3 days and you can’t find your package of pills to confirm if you did

By the principles of quantum uncertainty you neither took nor didn’t take the pills until you find the package of pills. Congratulations! You are currently both pregnant and not pregnant with Schrödinger’s baby.

You missed two active pills and two placebo pills, and were sexually active without other contraception. Upon realizing this you took all four pills and are just now consulting this FAQ.

The first thing you need to do is find some eye of newt, and fast. Once you’ve got that, meet me in the nettle patch under the blood moon at midnight and we can begin the incantation of multiple missed pills.

Your employer provided health insurance decided it is no longer providing contraceptives because of “religious freedom” and you are now concerned you won’t be able to afford your pill and will miss all doses

I hate to even bring it up, but…. Canada?

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