Hello, my name is “Peanut Butter”, at least that’s what the god damn President of the USA told everyone. Turkeys don’t have names. You’d think the leader of the free world would know that. Anyway, if you watch the news, you probably saw last week that he pardoned me and my buddy “Jelly”. Well, as fucked up as it sounds, I wish he would have just killed and eaten us.
Why, you might ask? Well, look at it through my eyes. One day I’m minding my own business in my coop, looking for bugs to eat. The next thing I know, some guys in suits come by in a van and grab me and my buddy. They looked like special agents or something. I had no idea what the fuck was going on, since they blindfolded us, but I knew it couldn’t be good. I’m not a citizen; I thought maybe I was getting deported. Or maybe they were gonna waterboard me until I admitted to some crime I didn’t commit. I saw a documentary about Guantanamo, I know how they operate. Imagine my surprise when they take us out of the van and we’re at the White House.
So I, a turkey, had been kidnapped and taken to the White House. This isn’t some covert operation, though. There’s a crowd and the press is there. Then they take me up to a podium with Joe Biden there. He starts rubbing my back and telling me it’s gonna be ok. I’m not sure if he’s trying to put the moves on me or what.
He makes this big speech, where’s he’s calling me “Peanut Butter” and my buddy “Jelly”. He’s talking to the cameras and tells them he is going to pardon us and let us live. Pardon us?! From what? I didn’t know we were accused of anything and they were going to fucking kill us! What about due process? I didn’t think capital punishment was even practiced in DC.
At that moment, there were a lot of emotions going on: confusion, anger, relief. While I’m still processing all this, the suits toss us back in the van and drive us off to the farm. No explanation, no goodbye, they just dump us there. And when we get back, all of our friends and family are gone. Again, no explanation, they are just gone. I guess they didn’t get the same pardons we got.
I know I should just be thankful to be alive, but have you ever heard of survivor’s guilt? All I keep thinking was, why were we pardoned? Why do I deserve to be here and not the other turkeys? And that’s just talking about turkeys. I mean, have you heard about the Julius Jones case? That’s pretty high profile, yet the president is pardoning me, a turkey who hasn’t been formally accused of a crime. I don’t know what his angle is, but part of me is terrified of finding out.
Ever since that day I have been having horrible recurring dreams. In these dreams, I’m walking around the farm. It’s freezing out and there are two moons in the sky. I hear the wind howling. It sounds like it’s an old man’s voice whispering how everything is going to be ok. Then I feel someone grab my ass. I turn around and it’s Joe Biden. There’s cameras everywhere and my parents are there. Biden has the giant electric knife and says “dinner is served”. Then I wake up. That’s been every god damn night since that day. How long has that been? I have no clue, turkeys have a terrible sense of time.
I have lost total faith in my government, my country, even my turkey God. If I could get out of here and start fresh, I would. As an undocumented flightless bird it’s really hard to flee the country. I just wish Taft were still president. He’d have killed and eaten me himself.
A Man Eating Chicken 