Medical Advice You Can Trust

If you’ve watched the news lately, you’ve noticed there’s been a lot of medical advice and talk about different Covid treatments. My dad always told me that the best medicine for anything was alcohol, not complaining and never, ever messing with the thermostat. He lost his medical license when I was still a small child, but continued to give medical advice to anyone who would listen. And some people who wouldn’t listen.

If there’s one thing I did learn from pops it was to be distrustful. Even your father, a one-time doctor and current deadbeat, could be out there recommending that a small child treat a headache with Wild Turkey and being uncomfortably cold. So, when Covid came along, I understood the vaccine hesitancy. I was also skeptical of people recommending rogue treatments, like Ivermectin or coffee mugs that say “liberal tears” on them. I understood the distrust in general. I mean, I didn’t trust anyone in the world about anything. You could say I have “trust issues” and “daddy issues” and “cirrhosis of the liver since I was a child issues”.

I still needed to figure out a way to make medical decisions. If you can’t trust doctors, or any random asshole with the internet, then who can you trust? I thought maybe I can do like the Christian Scientists and not do any medicine; they just pray. I was a little skeptical, though. I mean, I’ve been praying everyday that my childhood was a horrible dream and that my real dad would wake me from it one day. That hasn’t happened yet, so maybe they are wrong. Also, wouldn’t there be some positive correlation between religious prevalence and health then? Isn’t that basic science? Maybe those Christians Scientists aren’t really that good at science.

So, how do I answer my medical questions and make informed choices? Do I still need to wear a mask? Is my best bet to just try to join the space program and when I go on a moon mission just go AWOL and camp out there forever? Is this all a prank perpetrated by the man once voted the worst doctor in the mid-Atlantic region, somehow trying to get me to hustle harder in little league? I wouldn’t put it past him.

Well, I’ve finally come up with a great system: I just give pops a call and do the opposite of what he tells me. It’s working pretty well so far! Last week when I had the sniffles I asked him if I should take a rapid test before I go to work. After talking to him I turned the heat all the way up and didn’t send him any “parent support payments” (which I’m pretty sure aren’t even a real thing). I’m feeling way better already. If anyone wants to give him a call, you can try his office line at 1-900-DOC-4-EVA.

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