Have you recently been promoted to middle management? Do you feel unqualified for the position? Are you suffering from Imposter Syndrome? Well, you can fake it till you make it, or you can fast track yourself to success with our new Instant Middle Manager Starter Kit! It comes with everything you need to look like you are a seasoned middle manager including:
- Complain-y Catchphrases: You get a list of potential catchphrases you can use around the office that let everyone know you aren’t happy, but that aren’t extreme enough to raise any red flags. Some of these include “I don’t know, I’m just the manager”, “Someone around here needs to do some work” and “All of you are idiots.”
- Outdated Family Pictures: Everyone needs a nice reminder of why they are coming to work and what truly makes them happy. A good middle manager hasn’t been happy in decades, so we’ve included some pictures of your grandparents as children, since that is the most recent time you can picture anyone being happy at all.
- Unkempt Appearance: A five o’clock shadow is so 1990’s. You need to show them that you didn’t have time to shave not just this morning, but this year. Go full caveman here. Hell, we’ve even thrown a caveman’s club into the kit. People will know you mean business and that you’ve been in your position so long that you no longer care about appearances, personal hygiene or what millennium it is.
- Emotional Distress: Coping with the stress and long hours isn’t easy. You still get the same shitty health insurance and your raise is actually less than the annual increase in premiums, so good luck affording any therapy. Dress the part by developing mental health issues! We’ve included some mood altering drugs to help this along.
- Bags Under Eyes: These bad boys are so deep that Whole Foods would give you a whole dollar off your purchase if you brought one.
- Constant Scowl: We’ve included an eyebrow shaving template to make you look slightly pissed off all the time. In the business, we call this Resting Management Face. Over time, people will stop smiling at you and your mood will actually sour and you won’t need to use the template anymore!
- Lack of Interesting Stories: We’ve included a handbook of generic responses when employees ask if you did anything fun over the weekend such as: “Didn’t come here”, “Counted my hours of freedom as they dwindled away” and “No”. Show them that you have a work-life balance: your morale is equally crushed at work and in life.
- Back Problems: Over time this sitting at a desk for 10 hours a day and being treated as an actual doormat will give your back the classic “Middle Management Curve”, however to make you look the part, we’ve included a fake hump taken from a Quasimodo Halloween costume.
- Fat Suit: Jowls! Paunch! We give you all of the silliest sounding fat, but it’s just fat. Sitting in an office and complaining doesn’t burn calories the way working out at lunch used to (by the way, you now have to work through lunch.)
- Lack of Power: Before you let this new position go to your head, remember that it doesn’t come with any actual power, just responsibility for things you can barely control. You are paid too much to do the actual work and solve the problems, but too little to decide what the solution is. You are basically just the fall guy. We’ve included a flow chart to decide whether a decision is above your pay grade or below your pay grade.
- Expensive Alcohol Collection: Remember when you drank too much bourbon in high school and it was a problem? Now, it’s a hobby! Have too many bottles in the house? It’s a collection! Spend too much? It’s an investment!
A Man Eating Chicken 