The Latest Quarantine Guidance from the State of Insanity Public Health Department

If you have come to this website, you likely have been exposed to Covid-19. That shit is everywhere these days. The State of Insanity Public Health Department has put together the following guidance for next steps based on your exposure, vaccination status and other important factors.

You were exposed to an individual who tested positive for Covid-19. The exposure was an extended close contact where both of you were unmasked. You are vaccinated.

If the exposure was before September 1, then monitor yourself for symptoms. If you do develop symptoms, you will need to quarantine until at least 7 days from the onset of symptoms. You may stop quarantine if you must meet one of the following sets of criteria: 

1) Quarantine for at least 7 days from onset of symptoms and no fever for at least 24 hours and a two negative PCR tests at least 24 hours apart both taken at least 5 days from the onset of symptoms; 

2) Quarantine for at least 14 days from the onset of symptoms and no fever for at least 48 hours from the onset of symptoms;

3) Construct a time machine and go back to prevent the exposure from ever happening and no other new diseases caused by a time travel paradox and no fever for at least 24 hours after returning to present.

If the exposure was after September 1, then you will need to quarantine, big time. Regardless of your status of having symptoms, you will need to quarantine for a minimum of 21 days. In order to end the quarantine, you will need to have 4 consecutive negative PCR tests after the 12th day of quarantine, each at least 36 hours apart but no more than 38 hours apart. If any of these come back positive, your quarantine clock resets to zero days and you must forfeit any Quarantine Points earned up until that point. If you suspect a false positive and want to contest it, you may choose to run The Gauntlet, but nobody has ever survived it.

Your unvaccinated toddler stuck their finger in the nose of another unvaccinated toddler, who you later found out has tested positive. You are unvaccinated and have been exposed to your child because, you know, it’s your child.

Children are so precious!

You have not been exposed to anyone experiencing Covid-19 symptoms and just happened upon this website by accident.

Quarantine your computer for 10 days or until it can receive two negative PCR tests at least 24 hours apart.

You are vaccinated, but your husband is not. You were going down the aisle in Albertsons and passed by someone who wasn’t wearing a mask and coughed like right next to you. 

Go home and complain to your husband from at least six feet away.

You were exposed to someone who was exposed to someone with Covid-19. When you were exposed to that person, they were experiencing no symptoms but their Covid-19 exposure was two days prior. The next day, they started experiencing a mild fever and a runny nose. They are still awaiting their test results and you currently only have a cough.

Oh boy…. we’ll get back to you on that one.

You were exposed to the music of Limp Bizkit.

I’m so sorry.

You were exposed to someone who tested positive for Covid-19. Now you want to stay home from work to be cautious, since you work with older unvaccinated individuals in tight quarters and you’ve read that viral loads are just as high in vaccinated individuals and unvaccinated ones. Your employer tells you that you either need to go in or lose your job.

Welcome to America!

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