10- Only willing to walk downhill
9- You have crippling student loan debt, because you are a kindergarten teacher who took out loans from your students
8- Refuse to use words over 2 syllables
7- Only pet is a pet pillow
6- Dream job is also pillow
5- Had to stop to catch breath while recording voicemail greeting
4- Kids all named Whatever
3- To do list is just a list of favorite snacks
2- Forgot own name
1- Have fallen asleep while eating
A Man Eating Chicken 