My whole life I was told that being a bully would get me nowhere. That I’d never amount to anything. That my lifestyle of giving swirlies and stealing lunch money would lead to nothing but juvie. Well, I’ve proven them all wrong. I noogied my way to the top and now I’m the boss here.
First off, there are going to be some changes. I am getting rid of the employee of the month program and replacing it with the loser of the month program. And you have all won it. That’s right dweebs, the world isn’t fair and neither is this workplace. Those important reports that you’ve been working on for months? I shredded them and turned them into spitballs, to spit at you.
You may be wondering why they put a bully like me, who can barely do math, in charge of this accounting office. Well, that’s a tough question. You know what else is a tough question? WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF?! Another tough question is: what are the basic rules of accounting? Like the previous questions, some things are better left a mystery.
All you poindexters studied hard for your degrees and your CPAs and whatever other nerd shit you do thinking it would all pay off. Well it didn’t. You should’ve been practicing your wet willies, like I did. I know what you’re thinking: isn’t it just as gross to give someone a wet willy as it is to get one? Well we’re all about to find out. After that, you’ll have to excuse me as I have a meeting with HR.
A Man Eating Chicken 