I am here to address the recent reports that upwards of 50 million doses of the Johnson & Johnson Covid-19 vaccine sit unused. I’ve heard that this is due to negative views of our vaccine, caused by a minor issue where we had to throw away 60 million doses of our vaccine that were possibly contaminated. And because we had our emergency authorization temporarily put on hold due to some potential blood clotting issues. And because our effectiveness numbers aren’t quite as high as other readily available alternatives. I understand that this could raise some red flags about our vaccine. As a lifelong J&J employee, let me assure you that all of these issues are isolated to our vaccine, and we are still the multinational conglomerate that you can trust and turn to for pharmaceuticals, consumer goods and most of all, baby shampoo.
Sure, the vaccine thing is a little unsettling, but this is a little bump in the road for a company that has been trusted by the American people for over 140 years. You see, Johnson & Johnson was founded in 1873 as a paint solvent and baby oil manufacturer. After a little mix-up at the bottling plant, the company restarted operations in 1880. Robert Wood Johnson and George Seabury founded the company. They named it Johnson and Johnson, one Johnson from Robert’s last name and the other because George was a dick. A dick who knew how to make questionable vaccines, band-aids, fake hips, baby shampoo, and thousands of your other favorite products.
They built J&J under one solid principle: People selling bottles of mystery chemicals to people. With over a century of experience, we have to be good at it, right? I mean, really old things are always good. Picture your sweet old granny. Old Grandma Mildred. Would you want some medicine mixed up by some hotshot new scientist fresh out of school with a PhD and no life experience, or a bottle of good old J&J Liquid Tylenol, mixed up in a big crusty stockpot by Old Mildred the way she learned how from her mother? I know I’m going for the pain reliever soup. Millie lived through the Great Depression and two world wars. She can barely roll out of bed unassisted. If there’s any expert on pain, it’s her.
Plus, we’re super rich! We are No. 36 on the Fortune 500. Would we able to get so rich if we weren’t trustworthy? Nope, that doesn’t sound like the America I know. The proof is in the pudding! And the pudding is Johnson & Johnson Medical Grade Pudding, a failed combination pudding and antibiotic from the mid-50s that was recalled after several deaths. I’m assuming they died of flavor overdose, what a way to go!
And what about talcum powder? People love talcum powder! Yes, you may have heard rumors that we recently have been sued 3,800 times for knowingly having asbestos in our talcum powder and not doing anything about it for decades or notifying anyone. Well, those are just rumors. We can’t be sued, because we’re bankrupt! At least the shadow company that we pushed all of our liability into is 😉
Corporate accounting loopholes can be depressing for the average citizen, who is struggling to get by and cancer ridden from talcum powder use, but did you know that J&J also makes some very effective antidepressants! Who is the bad guy now? That’s right, the communists over at Pfizer! Did you know that their vaccine requires two doses? TWO! Does that sound very trustworthy to you?
We live in a “what have you done for me lately” society, but I’d hate to see 140 years of reputation wiped out over one little tainted vaccine whoopsie-doopsie. So, please continue to purchase our No More Tears Baby Shampoo. There have been no controversies around and it is perfectly safe. I mean, it has no more tears in the name! How can that product cause you harm? It works, too. The other day, my child was watching The Crime of the Century, that movie about how Johnson and Johnson created the opioid crisis, and started crying about all of the horrible things J&J has done. Well, I fed her a little shampoo and she fell right to sleep. No more tears! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I could use a hot shower and some shampoo drinking.
A Man Eating Chicken 