Top 10 Totally Acceptable Alternatives to $1,400 Stimulus Checks

Those clowns in congress can’t agree on the terms of the next stimulus check; some of them say it’s too much, some say it’s not enough. What a bunch of clowns! Here are ten suggestions that should make them and the American people happy:

10- Oversized $700 stimulus checks: Even though this would save $700 per person, everyone would feel like they are getting way more, or like they won a golf tournament!

9-  Stimulus bootstraps to pull yourself up by: We can all agree that this is the American way.

8- Stimulus chicks: We might be able to sneak this one by everyone, I mean it sounds the same. Baby chickens would cost the government less, keep people occupied during quarantine and can be eaten in emergencies.

7- “I Lost My Job Due to Covid and All I Got Was This Stupid T-Shirt” novelty stimulus t-shirts: Humor is the greatest gift of all.

6- Stimulus Glocks: Handouts and handguns, both sides of the aisle get what they want!

5- ¥1,400 stimulus checks: This will sound like a good amount to the American people, but it’s only like 13 bucks.

4- A functioning economy that works for all Americans: Ok, just hear me out. No? You won’t even listen? Fine then….

3- Mitch McConnell stimulus dunk tank: Free money is great, but give the people what they really want.

2- A second Super Bowl: That was a nice distraction from the poverty everyone is slipping into, we can just do that again.

1- A shoulder to cry on: Isn’t this just what everyone really needs? What? They need food and shelter, too?! FOREVER?! Oh shit, sounds like $1,400 isn’t gonna cut it.

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